1 Year

I did it!

July 15th it was one year that I moved my little family to a new city. With no real clue as to how my life would be once we arrived I set off from California July 10th to a very interesting-soul-searching journey. And what a ride it has been, many ups and downs, disappointments, adjustments, laughters, white Christmas, rainy spring and a very late summer. We moved late May from our first apartment to a better neighborhood and we are very please with our new home. I think it was that move, from one apartment to another that sealed my feeling of home in this city. When we first arrived it wasn't difficult getting a place because I had plenty of money to "back me up", but when getting this new place it was all me! I was the one who for weeks would look at apartments after work and on weekends. Finally I stumbled onto this one and I explained everything, two weeks later he gave me the green light to move in. With no money backing me up like before I have to say it was the Lord to open this door.

I have made new friends and we meet every week. Music at the park on Thursday, concerts/festivals on the weekends, dinner/drinks on Saturday, or coffee anywhere in between.

Our company is growing and we have an office in the South Loop area in downtown. In regards to my future plans of moving to Italy, they are still alive and strong. But I now have options as to how I may want to pursue that new journey and for that I am very pleased.

I'm not who I was one year ago and thats not a bad thing. I don't believe I ever thought that this road would leave me the same. In discovering myself and life in this city I have found many more opportunities to grow, learn and open myself to something new. And I honestly think that its a good thing!

We were all meant to be more than what we may have settled for...and even if the road is hard and at times unclear...I don't walk it alone!

Enough

6/10/10

Chicago meltdown number (I lost count). I'm sitting at a coffee house after work here in downtown refusing to go home. I needed time to step back and take a look at my life and figure out how to stop having so many meltdowns! That word has become too common in my vocabulary lately. Since arriving, my life has felt like a constant state of uncertainty and I don't like it. "How will I pay rent?" "How will I buy clothes for the girls?" "How will I...." on and on , those and may more questions fill my mind daily.

I've noticed that I'm becoming very mean - short with others, quick to snap and slow to laugh. this is not a good thing. Yeah I was going to change, but this is not a turn in the right direction. I feel tired all the time and no longer enjoy talking with my friends back home. I think I locked "joy" in a closet and have now taken company with grumpy, mean & edgy. Funny how I put one away but picked up three others.

It will be a year July 15th that I've been here in the "windy city". It feels like a lifetime ago that I was laughing with my friends at M.I.D. or enjoying the company of selective friends. I sometimes forget who that woman was who one day declared she was leaving California in search for a life she was created for. That woman was broken and on the edge trying to pull the remainder of herself together, and in the midst of that she realized her life was empty. "He" brought her to life and made her feel like she could do anything she set her heart and mind to. His love gave her wings and she soared in it. But....all good things must come to an end. So there she was...with this emptiness and that's when she set in motion the biggest change of her life.

With that I must remember why I'm here. Clearly what I'm doing is not working! Enough of this constant tired feeling. Enough of this "bitch" I've become. I'm getting my joy back! My peace, even in the most uncertain times. My laughter that fills a quiet room and my larger-than-life smile...I'm getting it back! My new declaration.

So while I sit here enjoying my coffee, people pass me by and I write. Oh I miss this, always too busy and tired to write, today I STOP and rethink my direction. Why did I move? What do I want to accomplish while out here? And what am I doing to make it happen? Maybe it's not so much as I have too much going on as it is that I'm not handling it correctly. So what that my life is filled with uncertainty? I put myself here right? Maybe the Lords trying to teach me how to trust Him on a deeper level and because I'm flippn' out I'm only prolonging the lesson. He didn't bring me here to fail so I need to stop looking at things through the natural and start seeing it with my spiritual eyes. So enough I say...enough!

This is a great city. I've found it a little difficult to find my place but now with ease I call this city home...for now. For some time I thought I didn't fit in but now that I'm making friends they share their opinion of me. They think I'm sweet, friendly and I smile a lot! They like how I dress but worry that I'm not "street/city" smart enough to stay out of danger. They tell me to stop talking with everyone. But I want/need a social outlet like I did back home. It's a tough city but I love it. Another funny thing is its great to see the red double decker buses filled with tourist pass you by as you walk to the "L" in downtown. I've never lived in a city where this is an everyday thing but being a traveler myself I can appreciate it. I've always loved to shop and dress "cute" but now I look at what type of shoes women wear more than anything. I look at how they stay stylish yet functional in the city. BIG purses are a must! I've cut down on how much I eat and exercise more. I want to look like a city girl: stylish, lean and very much a part of my community. We'll see how that turns out for me! LOL

I'm not perfect, I'm extremely flawed but I'm here and I'm here for a reason. I pray God gives me the grace and joy to continue...

I'm breathing....

Remaining

The road I have chosen has been anything but easy, yet I still remain.

For the past month all my efforts, struggles and feelings of "this constant uphill" battle had left me weary, edgy and ready to give up. Yes you read correctly, I told my daughter that if we can't find a new place then I guess we will pack it up and move back to California.

I was blessed to be able to get away and visit my sweet Kevin. It was just what I needed, time to relax, sight see, enjoy delicious food and LAUGH! Upon returning back to the city I had to remind myself why I moved here. Looking out the window I saw this beautiful city and it was at that moment I remembered, I came to pursue my dreams.

A simple dream but one I have put off for far too long, my education and new career. This city is ready to kick you down and spit you out all the while tossing your dream in your face! I'm choosing to fight for what I came here for and to be able to call this place home for the next 4 years. I won't move back...not yet!

I shook off the heavy bands of weariness and clothed myself with a garment of praise. I will praise my King now for the doors He is opening, opportunities He is creating and a life I am to embrace...for now.

Psalms 62:1 "I find rest in God; only He can save me. He is my rock and my salvation. He is my defender; I will NOT BE DEFEATED."

Decisions

I was at a fork in the road and I had to make a decision. So knowing I could no longer put this off I stopped what I was doing and sat on the edge of my bathtub and cried. I cried out to the Lord asking for His direction, guidance and telling Him how I’m tired of making decisions alone. So on top of this huge decision (to me) my feelings of being lonely began to spill over. I’m 38 Lord and I’ve NEVER been married! Ugh… No more big decisions alone… they are too costly and the weight of these choices weigh heavy on me, so for a good 15 maybe 30 minutes I cried and laid it all out, explaining to my Father.

There are times when I feel His presence stronger than the person who is standing next to me, and then there are times when I must stand in faith and know that He is there and He will continue to lead me. Frustrated with the situation of my personal life I believe I make it difficult to hear the voice of God. The Lord reminded me of what He shared with me before I left California. He said that there will be times that I won’t feel Him as strong as others but that He is calling me to a high place. I believe I am living that out now.

I have had enough winter (death) in my life and am more than ready to welcome in spring (life) so with faith I walk toward a new life in this city…a new home. My dear friend told me yesterday that “He is lining your life up to what He has planned for you.” Before she even said that to me that was the feeling I was having with all these changes that I am putting myself through once again. But changes that will welcome in a new season….life and life more abundantly!

So Lord open the doors and bless my efforts, lead me and I WILL follow you!

Dreams

When I find myself losing heart and wondering if I will truly achieve what I set out to accomplish I remind myself of places I've been and one day what I would like to own. My heart will always be in Italy, for many reasons that country holds a firm grip on my affections, so one day I would love to own a villa. A place I can spend writing, reading, taking long walks, taking pictures, listening to music while I bask in the beauty that surrounds that country.

So weary I may be but my dreams are alive, one day...one day soon....

Emotions

So what do you do when the rug has once again been pulled out from under you? How will you react when the direction of your life has changed and you find it difficult adjusting to your new situation? What do you do when you feel….nothing? When the lifeline you have clung to so tightly has gone silent.

I know the current events in my life are to no surprise to my Savior so why do I feel like I’m clinging to hope? There have been days when I open my bible and everything sounds Greek to me, I find myself wandering through the pages searching for inspiration, guidance, hope and promises.

I WILL NOT BE GOVEREND BY MY EMOTIONS!

The facts are as so:

He loves me.
He died for me and rose on the third day.
He created me with a purpose.
He has a plan for my life.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

When my new situation occurred I asked the Lord, “Really?” I thought I had proven my faith, trust and ability to follow your guidance. But could I do it again? The answer is always YES. Yes I will follow you, yes I will wait on you, yes I will always trust Your plan and YES I believe and always believe in what you are doing in and through me. You are my breath of fresh air; you are my noon day sun.

Even when it feels like death surrounds you. Death in your finances, relationships, hope, faith and future know that "Sunday" will always come. There will always be a resurrection in the areas of our lives that we feel have died or grown dormant as long as we hold on to His word.

Resurrection Sunday is just around the corner…you must hold on to His promises, keep the faith and know a rebirth is coming!

Isaiah 65:24 “I will provide for their needs before they ask, and I will help them while they are still asking for help.”

Isaiah 66:7, 9 “A woman does not give birth before she feels the pain; she does not give birth to a son before the pain starts.” “In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”

Around Town

Here are some pictures of the girls and some new favorite stores I've found. I finally found a florist, she is located in Andersonville which is not far from my place. They're are all so friendly and have beautiful flowers to choose from, I always look forward to putting together a lovely bouquet for my place. Since there are more blue skies out lately we have enjoyed going downtown to our huge nine floor library and being able to explore the city. I hope you enjoy the updated pictures.

Ciao!