Enough

6/10/10

Chicago meltdown number (I lost count). I'm sitting at a coffee house after work here in downtown refusing to go home. I needed time to step back and take a look at my life and figure out how to stop having so many meltdowns! That word has become too common in my vocabulary lately. Since arriving, my life has felt like a constant state of uncertainty and I don't like it. "How will I pay rent?" "How will I buy clothes for the girls?" "How will I...." on and on , those and may more questions fill my mind daily.

I've noticed that I'm becoming very mean - short with others, quick to snap and slow to laugh. this is not a good thing. Yeah I was going to change, but this is not a turn in the right direction. I feel tired all the time and no longer enjoy talking with my friends back home. I think I locked "joy" in a closet and have now taken company with grumpy, mean & edgy. Funny how I put one away but picked up three others.

It will be a year July 15th that I've been here in the "windy city". It feels like a lifetime ago that I was laughing with my friends at M.I.D. or enjoying the company of selective friends. I sometimes forget who that woman was who one day declared she was leaving California in search for a life she was created for. That woman was broken and on the edge trying to pull the remainder of herself together, and in the midst of that she realized her life was empty. "He" brought her to life and made her feel like she could do anything she set her heart and mind to. His love gave her wings and she soared in it. But....all good things must come to an end. So there she was...with this emptiness and that's when she set in motion the biggest change of her life.

With that I must remember why I'm here. Clearly what I'm doing is not working! Enough of this constant tired feeling. Enough of this "bitch" I've become. I'm getting my joy back! My peace, even in the most uncertain times. My laughter that fills a quiet room and my larger-than-life smile...I'm getting it back! My new declaration.

So while I sit here enjoying my coffee, people pass me by and I write. Oh I miss this, always too busy and tired to write, today I STOP and rethink my direction. Why did I move? What do I want to accomplish while out here? And what am I doing to make it happen? Maybe it's not so much as I have too much going on as it is that I'm not handling it correctly. So what that my life is filled with uncertainty? I put myself here right? Maybe the Lords trying to teach me how to trust Him on a deeper level and because I'm flippn' out I'm only prolonging the lesson. He didn't bring me here to fail so I need to stop looking at things through the natural and start seeing it with my spiritual eyes. So enough I say...enough!

This is a great city. I've found it a little difficult to find my place but now with ease I call this city home...for now. For some time I thought I didn't fit in but now that I'm making friends they share their opinion of me. They think I'm sweet, friendly and I smile a lot! They like how I dress but worry that I'm not "street/city" smart enough to stay out of danger. They tell me to stop talking with everyone. But I want/need a social outlet like I did back home. It's a tough city but I love it. Another funny thing is its great to see the red double decker buses filled with tourist pass you by as you walk to the "L" in downtown. I've never lived in a city where this is an everyday thing but being a traveler myself I can appreciate it. I've always loved to shop and dress "cute" but now I look at what type of shoes women wear more than anything. I look at how they stay stylish yet functional in the city. BIG purses are a must! I've cut down on how much I eat and exercise more. I want to look like a city girl: stylish, lean and very much a part of my community. We'll see how that turns out for me! LOL

I'm not perfect, I'm extremely flawed but I'm here and I'm here for a reason. I pray God gives me the grace and joy to continue...

I'm breathing....