Choices

A year ago this month my life changed. I was in a relationship and he chose to end it. He made a choice. It altered my life. I chose to do the only thing I knew I could do. And that was to hold on tightly to the hand of God.

Months went by and I clung to the hand of God. Day in and day out I did the same thing. Routine was my comfort. I woke up every morning, got ready for work, came home from work and fell on my knee’s crying to the Lord. I had no words. Tears filled me and I released them night after night. Grief choked me. All the while I chose to walk the road of healing and allow God to do what must be done in order for me to walk away a woman not scorned, but healed and able to laugh, love and dance the dance of life once again.

I read books, the Bible, prayed, cried and once a week spent time with a good friend. I shared what I was feeling, what I was discovering and how I felt the Lord challenging me in area’s of my life. She listened, shared some of her experiences in her healing process and gave me “sound” advice. What a journey it was. Months would go by and I thought I was past the tough part…then it would hit me like a tidal wave. And then once again the tears were back! Sometimes the tears returned with a vengeance.

I’m tired of crying! I’m tired of feeling sad! When Lord will this end? When will my thoughts not be filled with him? When will songs not remind me of some memory we made together? I want to reclaim my life back. I want to enjoy traveling, music and theater once again without the memory of “us” in it.

A year has passed. I’m not the same woman that I was. I’m alive again. I laugh, enjoy traveling, music and I look forward to having someone to love. I look back at the memories that we created while together… and enjoy them. They no longer bring me pain. But a sweet smile on my face as I remember what once was.

I love the life I have now and look forward to what is ahead as I follow God and where He is leading me. What did I learn in all of this? I learned to let go and let God have His way in my life. What did I gain? I gained the knowledge that I am not alone. That God is right there with me every step of the way. When all I could do was fall to my knee’s and cry…God was there. When I was at work and I would run to the restroom because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss…He covered me with His peace. When I had no words to say… He filled me with hope that “this too shall pass”. And when I boldly remained steadfast that I needed Him to heal me… He gently walked me thru the process.

Isaiah 41:10 “So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.”