Snapped!

I don’t think we ever make a conscious decision to neglect our relationship with the Lord. But it happens. The demands of life, the goals we are reaching for and relationships we are trying to keep together. Busy with that we didn’t realize we pushed God out and took over. Then one day we realize how loud everything has become. It’s just too loud!

In February I wrote the above sentences. Funny how that happens….even when you think you won’t let it happen again.

I snapped today. I knew it was coming and I’m grateful it finally did. I knew I couldn’t have kept it together much longer.

I was keeping to the plan! I had a plan and in order for me to make it out of here and start pursuing my dream on another level…the plan had to be accomplished!

Do you know that I never came up with the plan…God gave it to me along the way. But I was the one who was making sure it happened. I was the one. “….I pushed God out and took over.” Yup, that’s how it happened and I was becoming someone very ugly. Do you know that I knew God was asking me to stop what I was doing and spend more time with Him? And just the thought of slowing down would irritate me. Instead of being obedient, my actions were saying “when I’m done Lord I’ll spend time with you, but there are still things on the list that need my attention!”

What I found to happen in my own life was that when I put God aside because I was busy taking over…I lost. I lost my joy, love, peace, laughter, compassion, patience and humanity. I came home today and fell on my knee’s and cried out to the One who loves me. I gave Him my feeble attempt to accomplish the task’ without Him. I sat quietly in His presence as He emptied me of anxiety and filled me with peace. I sat in His presence and He breathed life once again in me....

Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.”

Really??

Can it really be? I never thought that I could feel this way simultaneously, but I do. I'm excited about the change that is fast approaching, there is no doubt or question as to that feeling but there it is....that feeling. No, it's not fear nor is it doubt...it's nerves. Settled comfortably next to my excitement is the feeling of being very nervous.

When I made the decision to move, I then made a plan as to how this would happen. It was easy...doing that! Telling my family I was moving, telling my job I would be leaving & setting up the date for the "movers" to pick up my belongings. All those things were easy. I have two weeks left of work and then the other part of the plan starts. Yes its nerves....but there too is great excitement.

The second part of the plan I now know will take a deeper courage that I need to tap into. I'm the leader of this voyage. I have always had my family and friends there for me...for some type of support. I'm leaving all of that soon and I will be the one leading my girls and showing them what it is to follow your dreams. I will be driving us to Chicago and God knows how NOT good I am with directions...so I really hope my GPS won't fail me. I won't have my dad or brother-in-law to call and help me out when I'm lost. All those comforts that we take for granted. Nerves and excitement...what a mix!!

Do I question if I'm doing the right thing? Absolutely NOT! This is the right thing for me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not nervous. It doesn't mean that all those doubts that you have thought of or quietly mentioned to others I haven't thought of myself. Honestly I haven't just thought about them...I have mused over every question myself. But the fact remains I have to leave. I have to live the life I know I was destined for.

Two more weeks of work.....
I trust you Lord...I trust the plan you have for me and my daughters!

Hope

My sister took these pictures. Not too often do we have time alone together, so it was nice driving to Knights Ferry with her. We talked about kids, my move, her 5 year plan and our parents. When you know that you won’t have these moments much longer you appreciate it even more. The drive, the scenery, hearing her voice and her opinions. My sister has the busiest schedule… and I…do not. She has always been the busy one, shuttling kids here and there, going to photo shoots, making dinner, keeping the house clean and plenty of countless other things that call for her attention. Then there is my life. It’s the polar opposite of hers. But its mine and I love it. I love my sister more than she knows and I’ll miss her very much when I’m gone.

She gave me her time and talent and took pictures of me sporting my new tattoo. Eventually I’ll have a full sleeve and hopefully I’ll have my sister document that progression. Thanks…I enjoyed our time together!

Still...

Lately I have done more reflecting than ever before. I think it’s because of what is happening in my life. But it got me thinking about when I was young, very young. Before my family fell apart, before I was on my own and before I had my daughters. I was 13 and already forming a love for classical music, art and my personal view (very small view) on life. But already I was dreaming of what kind life and happiness I would experience.

I dreamt of making a difference in the world. I wanted to play an instrument and I wanted to write "beautiful words". The possibilities were endless of what I thought I could accomplish or become. There was a freedom that I felt when I was dreaming...arms open wide, wind blowing and every door possible is open!! All I needed to do was walk through it...I just need to walk forward.

I'm not 13 any more, I'm 37 but the same freedom I once felt while dreaming, I feel again. In between the years of 13 to 36 life had changed dramatically. And at some points in my life I felt some of my dreams die...and others I put to rest. But then 37 rolled around and had a different plan. The dreams I thought were dead and sleeping are now present...they are vivid, strong and living in me once again. The years in between have given me perspective but has not taken away the zest for accomplishing them.

I don't look the same nor do I act the same as when I was young. But the core of who I am still remains, and the fire that burns in me, the idea of somehow, someway making a difference in my world is still alive and kicking. But this time...IT WILL HAPPEN!

Flashback Friday

Its been a while...sorry! Ok here we go...flashing back a very long time ago. This is my mom and dad in Germany before they had children...so I'm going to say 39 years ago. My mom got pregnant with my sister in Germany so it's safe to say that they enjoyed themselves.

My mom and dad. They are my biggest fans. As any parent I know they have concerns and may have fears for the changes that I'm making in my life. But non the less they are my most favorite people. They have come to a point and realized that I am who I am. Take it or leave it. And thankfully they have taken it.

I love them more than they know. And even though they may have had other ideas for my life I do appreciate what they have been to me and all that I have learned in the process.

Dreamer

Since I made the decision last year to move to Chicago, the most common question I get is "Are you afraid"? and the answer I give is more like a reflex..."No I'm not". But that got me thinking...why do I say it so quickly and am I really not afraid? I'm not a super woman so I know I have fear in me...what am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of NOT moving. I don't want to one day look back at my life and say to myself "you should have went". I refuse to live a life of regret and this is one decision that if I don't follow through with, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Simply put its not like I’m following through with a decision that I made. Its that I’m being pulled into a life that I was made for. What exactly that entails is not clear to me yet but what is clear is that I’m at the cusp of something big in my life and I can’t… I won’t let something as little as “fear” hold me back from living the life I was created for. I know this to be true Chicago is not my final destination…its just the launching pad to something further in my life.

I’m a dreamer…I was created that way. And because of decisions that I made when I was young it altered my life. Now I’m coming full circle and the “door” is open for me… I must walk through it. Actually I think I’m running! Why should I fear? December 2008, while I was on my first trail race God told me that He was not taking me to Chicago to fail. October 2008, God told me that He was taking me to my promise land. January 2009, while I was spending my quiet time with Him He asked me what I wanted…and I shared my heart to Him. So why would I fear…anything? He is leading me and I am more than willing to follow. I’m a dreamer…He created me that way.

When I say that there is nothing left for me here, that's nothing on the love I have for my family and friends, its just that I know this to be true. I must move forward!

No U-Turns!

I did it. Today I gave my resignation letter to my boss and I paid my deposit for the moving company. Funny thing is I'm not afraid. I officially went from "speaking" about my future to taking action. And it feels freakn' fantabulous! There is no turning back now. Even if I wanted to what would I turn back to? There is nothing left for me here and I look forward to what is ahead in Chicago. I'm opening the door to my new life....and it looks good my friend...it looks good.