Still...

Lately I have done more reflecting than ever before. I think it’s because of what is happening in my life. But it got me thinking about when I was young, very young. Before my family fell apart, before I was on my own and before I had my daughters. I was 13 and already forming a love for classical music, art and my personal view (very small view) on life. But already I was dreaming of what kind life and happiness I would experience.

I dreamt of making a difference in the world. I wanted to play an instrument and I wanted to write "beautiful words". The possibilities were endless of what I thought I could accomplish or become. There was a freedom that I felt when I was dreaming...arms open wide, wind blowing and every door possible is open!! All I needed to do was walk through it...I just need to walk forward.

I'm not 13 any more, I'm 37 but the same freedom I once felt while dreaming, I feel again. In between the years of 13 to 36 life had changed dramatically. And at some points in my life I felt some of my dreams die...and others I put to rest. But then 37 rolled around and had a different plan. The dreams I thought were dead and sleeping are now present...they are vivid, strong and living in me once again. The years in between have given me perspective but has not taken away the zest for accomplishing them.

I don't look the same nor do I act the same as when I was young. But the core of who I am still remains, and the fire that burns in me, the idea of somehow, someway making a difference in my world is still alive and kicking. But this time...IT WILL HAPPEN!

Flashback Friday

Its been a while...sorry! Ok here we go...flashing back a very long time ago. This is my mom and dad in Germany before they had children...so I'm going to say 39 years ago. My mom got pregnant with my sister in Germany so it's safe to say that they enjoyed themselves.

My mom and dad. They are my biggest fans. As any parent I know they have concerns and may have fears for the changes that I'm making in my life. But non the less they are my most favorite people. They have come to a point and realized that I am who I am. Take it or leave it. And thankfully they have taken it.

I love them more than they know. And even though they may have had other ideas for my life I do appreciate what they have been to me and all that I have learned in the process.

Dreamer

Since I made the decision last year to move to Chicago, the most common question I get is "Are you afraid"? and the answer I give is more like a reflex..."No I'm not". But that got me thinking...why do I say it so quickly and am I really not afraid? I'm not a super woman so I know I have fear in me...what am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of NOT moving. I don't want to one day look back at my life and say to myself "you should have went". I refuse to live a life of regret and this is one decision that if I don't follow through with, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Simply put its not like I’m following through with a decision that I made. Its that I’m being pulled into a life that I was made for. What exactly that entails is not clear to me yet but what is clear is that I’m at the cusp of something big in my life and I can’t… I won’t let something as little as “fear” hold me back from living the life I was created for. I know this to be true Chicago is not my final destination…its just the launching pad to something further in my life.

I’m a dreamer…I was created that way. And because of decisions that I made when I was young it altered my life. Now I’m coming full circle and the “door” is open for me… I must walk through it. Actually I think I’m running! Why should I fear? December 2008, while I was on my first trail race God told me that He was not taking me to Chicago to fail. October 2008, God told me that He was taking me to my promise land. January 2009, while I was spending my quiet time with Him He asked me what I wanted…and I shared my heart to Him. So why would I fear…anything? He is leading me and I am more than willing to follow. I’m a dreamer…He created me that way.

When I say that there is nothing left for me here, that's nothing on the love I have for my family and friends, its just that I know this to be true. I must move forward!

No U-Turns!

I did it. Today I gave my resignation letter to my boss and I paid my deposit for the moving company. Funny thing is I'm not afraid. I officially went from "speaking" about my future to taking action. And it feels freakn' fantabulous! There is no turning back now. Even if I wanted to what would I turn back to? There is nothing left for me here and I look forward to what is ahead in Chicago. I'm opening the door to my new life....and it looks good my friend...it looks good.

Choices

A year ago this month my life changed. I was in a relationship and he chose to end it. He made a choice. It altered my life. I chose to do the only thing I knew I could do. And that was to hold on tightly to the hand of God.

Months went by and I clung to the hand of God. Day in and day out I did the same thing. Routine was my comfort. I woke up every morning, got ready for work, came home from work and fell on my knee’s crying to the Lord. I had no words. Tears filled me and I released them night after night. Grief choked me. All the while I chose to walk the road of healing and allow God to do what must be done in order for me to walk away a woman not scorned, but healed and able to laugh, love and dance the dance of life once again.

I read books, the Bible, prayed, cried and once a week spent time with a good friend. I shared what I was feeling, what I was discovering and how I felt the Lord challenging me in area’s of my life. She listened, shared some of her experiences in her healing process and gave me “sound” advice. What a journey it was. Months would go by and I thought I was past the tough part…then it would hit me like a tidal wave. And then once again the tears were back! Sometimes the tears returned with a vengeance.

I’m tired of crying! I’m tired of feeling sad! When Lord will this end? When will my thoughts not be filled with him? When will songs not remind me of some memory we made together? I want to reclaim my life back. I want to enjoy traveling, music and theater once again without the memory of “us” in it.

A year has passed. I’m not the same woman that I was. I’m alive again. I laugh, enjoy traveling, music and I look forward to having someone to love. I look back at the memories that we created while together… and enjoy them. They no longer bring me pain. But a sweet smile on my face as I remember what once was.

I love the life I have now and look forward to what is ahead as I follow God and where He is leading me. What did I learn in all of this? I learned to let go and let God have His way in my life. What did I gain? I gained the knowledge that I am not alone. That God is right there with me every step of the way. When all I could do was fall to my knee’s and cry…God was there. When I was at work and I would run to the restroom because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss…He covered me with His peace. When I had no words to say… He filled me with hope that “this too shall pass”. And when I boldly remained steadfast that I needed Him to heal me… He gently walked me thru the process.

Isaiah 41:10 “So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.”

Birthday Girls

I am blessed. March 17th is my birthday and the 18th is my niece Gabrielle's. She knows the rule too....there will be no mention of her b-day while mine is in progress! There is no exception to that rule...I'm a kid at heart and I don't like sharing my day. But once the 18th comes...well it's all her day! And honestly I think she is like me...she loves celebrating...her!

My mother always calls us on our birthday and sings us the "Birthday Song". I love it! Adrianna and Victorialyn texted me "Happy Birthday" and oh I can't forget Gabrielle calling me at work and singing me the "birthday song" Merilyn Monroe style. Many other family and friends called or came by to wish me a Happy Birthday. What fun!

Friends at work went crazy decorating my desk and filling it with presents. And later in the evening my girls and I relaxed on my bed watching a movie from Netflex on my computer. It was a wonderful day and thank you to everyone who made it extra special!! I love you all!

GPS Wanted!!

A friend called me Friday and asked if the girls and I wanted to get away for the weekend. She said she has a timeshare available in Angels Camp at a resort and it was ours if we wanted it. So the girls and I packed up and took off. Because I had never been there before I went online and got directions from Map quest. What a mistake! What should have taken about an hour for us to get there, took us close to three!! I'll spare the details of getting directions from the lady at the resort. All I'll say is that an aggressive tone was being used...by me. During our drive...in circles I might add I realized I better get a Garmin or some GPS unit before I take that drive to Chicago or else God only knows where we might end up! Overall we had a wonderful time.