Wine

For as long as I have known my friend Becky we have been trying to go wine tasting together. As much as Becky plays down her knowledge to wine she was the best person to go with. I couldn't have imagined being with anyone else but my sweet friend. It was an extremely hot day but with my time coming to a close in California we just had to bit the bullet and go.

I found my wine. I enjoy white wines...Chardonnay to be exact. We went to two different wineries and I bought a bottle from each location. We later went walking around Livermore and enjoyed some Mexican food for an early dinner before driving back home to Modesto. I never knew there were wineries in Livermore. But there they are and the grounds are so beautiful and the people are very friendly... I didn't feel at all foolish for not knowing the "lingo" to wine. It was a great day...thanks Becky!

Thanks!

Today I used my Garmen GPS for the first time. I went to Morgan Hill to pick up my mother. I didn't want to call my brother-in-law for directions...I had to do this on my own. So I put the address in and pressed "GO"...and up came the map with directions. I did it!! Small victory on my part...but victory it was nonetheless. You even may think it silly but to me this mattered. I'm driving to Chicago with two teenage girls and a small dog. So I needed to know I can put my confidence in my new handy-dandy-gadget.

Thank you to all my MID friends who pitched in and bought the Garmen for me as my going away gift. You guys are the best!

Packing

This week I have focused my energies on packing. I just can't believe how much stuff I have. Where did I put it all? Anyway it has been a good week. Monday I met with my friend Becky A at Queen Bean and caught up with all that is going on and I went to my old job and was visiting. It's been a good week. I just get sad as I'm packing because my house looks so empty. My daughter said that she feels the opposite. With each new box she knows we are that much closer to leaving. That's a good way to look at it.

Greener on the other side

“The grass is always greener on the other side”.

How untrue that statement is for me. For months I knew the direction of my life. After I quite my job I truly was on the “other side” and it was emotionally confusing. The grass didn’t seem greener. I didn’t feel happier nor did I feel a release to finally pursue my dreams with more intensity. I felt the complete opposite.

Why was I feeling confused, selfish and at a loss for words? I was feeling overwhelmingly intimidated by the dream. Could I really do this? Could I really succeed? And if this is from God why am I feeling this way?

I believe as Christians we secretly believe that if it is from God that the path in which He leads us to will be laced with gold and daisies. Angels will be visibly guiding us as angelic music plays and with each step we are enlightened and gaining wisdom and understanding.

In the Bible it says that David had to encourage himself in the Lord. And so that is what I am doing. Psalm 16:7 “I praise the Lord because He advises me. Even at night, I feel His leading.” Yes, He leads me. No, the feelings I have had are not gone. They are still there but I choose not to be governed by them. I choose to remember and trust the plan that God has for me and my daughters. The fact is this: the road is narrow and few will follow…but I will not turn back. I refuse to be governed by what I see or how I feel. I WILL DELIGHT MYSELF IN THE LORD!! I will push forward and place my hand in His who leads me.

I will not be shackled by confusion or a feeling of intimidation. And it is in the journey that the Lord will release the words in me like a floodgate.

Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I will trust you.”

MID

May 29th. That was my last day at MID. A place I worked for a little over 6 years. I learned a lot from that company. I leaned people’s character and integrity. I appreciate all that MID provided for me and my family but I am happy to move forward toward a life I am now creating. This past couples of days has been interesting. I have always worked; there has never been a time when I haven’t, so to not have a schedule is a little odd. Yesterday I found myself being in a hurry…but to go where? I was on no schedule, I had no appointments to go to and I was meeting with no one. But yet I was feeling rushed. Then I took a deep breath and slowed my pace down. I think that is all out of habit. Always feeling like we don’t have enough time in the day…needing to make every second count. I’ll enjoy undoing that habit.

Thank you everyone for making my last day wonderful. Special thanks to Erin and Blanca for all the extra effort you put into my day!!

Snapped!

I don’t think we ever make a conscious decision to neglect our relationship with the Lord. But it happens. The demands of life, the goals we are reaching for and relationships we are trying to keep together. Busy with that we didn’t realize we pushed God out and took over. Then one day we realize how loud everything has become. It’s just too loud!

In February I wrote the above sentences. Funny how that happens….even when you think you won’t let it happen again.

I snapped today. I knew it was coming and I’m grateful it finally did. I knew I couldn’t have kept it together much longer.

I was keeping to the plan! I had a plan and in order for me to make it out of here and start pursuing my dream on another level…the plan had to be accomplished!

Do you know that I never came up with the plan…God gave it to me along the way. But I was the one who was making sure it happened. I was the one. “….I pushed God out and took over.” Yup, that’s how it happened and I was becoming someone very ugly. Do you know that I knew God was asking me to stop what I was doing and spend more time with Him? And just the thought of slowing down would irritate me. Instead of being obedient, my actions were saying “when I’m done Lord I’ll spend time with you, but there are still things on the list that need my attention!”

What I found to happen in my own life was that when I put God aside because I was busy taking over…I lost. I lost my joy, love, peace, laughter, compassion, patience and humanity. I came home today and fell on my knee’s and cried out to the One who loves me. I gave Him my feeble attempt to accomplish the task’ without Him. I sat quietly in His presence as He emptied me of anxiety and filled me with peace. I sat in His presence and He breathed life once again in me....

Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.”

Really??

Can it really be? I never thought that I could feel this way simultaneously, but I do. I'm excited about the change that is fast approaching, there is no doubt or question as to that feeling but there it is....that feeling. No, it's not fear nor is it doubt...it's nerves. Settled comfortably next to my excitement is the feeling of being very nervous.

When I made the decision to move, I then made a plan as to how this would happen. It was easy...doing that! Telling my family I was moving, telling my job I would be leaving & setting up the date for the "movers" to pick up my belongings. All those things were easy. I have two weeks left of work and then the other part of the plan starts. Yes its nerves....but there too is great excitement.

The second part of the plan I now know will take a deeper courage that I need to tap into. I'm the leader of this voyage. I have always had my family and friends there for me...for some type of support. I'm leaving all of that soon and I will be the one leading my girls and showing them what it is to follow your dreams. I will be driving us to Chicago and God knows how NOT good I am with directions...so I really hope my GPS won't fail me. I won't have my dad or brother-in-law to call and help me out when I'm lost. All those comforts that we take for granted. Nerves and excitement...what a mix!!

Do I question if I'm doing the right thing? Absolutely NOT! This is the right thing for me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not nervous. It doesn't mean that all those doubts that you have thought of or quietly mentioned to others I haven't thought of myself. Honestly I haven't just thought about them...I have mused over every question myself. But the fact remains I have to leave. I have to live the life I know I was destined for.

Two more weeks of work.....
I trust you Lord...I trust the plan you have for me and my daughters!