I know....

So I’ve been here for about six months and we are now into winter, this is what I know:

1.Don’t eat the yellow snow! (Ok I think everyone knows that)

2.That when it snows then rains then snows and rains again, that is a mixture for ICE!

3.When it’s so cold you ask the age old question “Do I really need it NOW?” to the basic needs of your home i.e. milk, eggs, toilet paper, etc.

4.It’s hard to stay “cute” and “fashionable” and stay warm during winter….I’ve been told it’s just not possible and I refuse to buy into the lie…but they might be right. (Don’t tell)

5.And you still have a choice to be happy or miserable. I can be upset about having to go outside in the cold or I can bundle up and get whatever needs to be done as quickly as possible so that I can return home and be warm once again.

“Were not in Kansas anymore Toto”

I feel that way as we are inching ourselves into winter here in the Windy City. I’ve been told that January and February are the coldest months and that I haven’t felt anything yet. Huh?! Are you kidding me?!

The girls and I are trying to adjust as gracefully as possible but it’s not always very graceful. I don’t think me walking like a penguin down the street, trying not to fall on the ice qualifies me as graceful. But this is my life for the next 4 to 5 years.

Tomorrow is Christmas and right now as I’m writing this entry my family is all at my Tia Martha’s home, enjoying great food and the warm company of family near and far. Do I wish I was there? Sure I do…but this is my life and I’m grateful I’m here.

So….no regrets! My only request is:

Lord keep me from the danger of myself. Keep me balanced Lord. Let me not be so ambitious that I leave you behind and in return lose it all. I don’t want this city if you’re not with me, I don’t want all I desire if I in return I have neglected my relationship with you. It’s your love that that gives me wings, your joy that strengthens me to continue forward, your peace that secures me when everything else is falling apart, its You that I seek and long to be with. You have been my healer and beacon…I move toward You….and I move with a purpose!

Ready. Set. GO!

The speed of my life has not slowed down and with the New Year fast approaching there are no plans of the pace changing, if anything it will increase. The past two weeks I have been rushing here and there. And on my days off I’m still out and about getting all that is needed in our home. The weather is extremely cold and every time I step out I am reminded that my California clothes will not due. Thanks to my sweet friend Jean she has made life a little more comfortable and we are eternally grateful for her generosity. Our beds are warm thanks to the flannel sheets she sent us and I’m staying a bit warmer with the thermals that she also gifted.

Last week we had the first snow of the season and the girls and I were like kids….looking and playing in the snow as if we had lived in the Sierra Dessert all our lives, it was comical. But we have all found a comfortable routine and everyone does their part.

The busyness of my schedule posed a problem. My time with the Lord was not like before and I feared I would allow that to continue. One day while at work I was telling the Lord how much I missed our time together, He said “I’m here, we can spend time now” and that is what I did.

Later on my ride home on the bus the Lord showed me that just like a marriage when changes happen couples get creative on how they spend time together. He shared that my schedule will only increase with the New Year and that I need to embrace the thought and flow with it. He also said that “we” just need to find new ways of enjoying time together. I love my Lord and how He guides me through my new life here….I am not alone!

Psalm 31:23a-24
“Love the Lord, all His saints! The Lord preserves the faithful….”
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”

Holiday Cheer

Some pictures of us at the Festival of Lights and pictures of our home. Enjoy!

FIGHT

“Not enough men have come, we cannot win.”
“No we cannot, but we will meet them in battle nonetheless.”
- King Théoden of Lord of the Rings

What I love most about those movies if the valor that is seen throughout the 3 films. I often thought how sad that that type of living is not often seen in today’s world. Living a life that is bigger than you, standing for a purpose that you may not see to the very end but knowing you were a part of it.

I was wrong. Valor is still living just not as evident as it was in times past. This is how I see valor in my world. I see it in the person who may get knocked down….but gets back up again. It’s in the person who goes after their dream even when everyone around them is telling them its time to let it go. I see it in the person who knows their life was meant for a purpose and even if they are in their latter years they seek that purpose out in order to fulfill it. Yes! Valor is still alive.

Last week I felt like the biggest blow had hit me since arriving in Chicago. This situation could have caused me to say “Well I gave it my best shot, guess I’ll go back to my family.” I could have looked at it and thought “I guess it’s just not meant to be”…but I didn’t! The moment I got the letter I went to my room and prayed. I told the Lord there is nothing I can do and I give it all to you. I trust you Lord and know you will provide for the need. I then returned to what I was doing and soon left for work. The next day was the hardest. I felt my emotions moving instead of holding firm to the knowledge that God will see me through this. I began to fall apart at work and rushed to the restroom to ask the Lord for His help. “Lord I don’t want to fail you in how I respond, I trust you Lord, give me the strength to walk this path.” And He did.

I remember when I was praying I said, “Lord if you want me to return to California I will” then I thought NO! I told the Lord I knew this was His will and I want it all! I’m not going to settle, Lord give me all that you promised! You said for me to prepare my barrels and that You will bring all my goals and dreams to pass and that you are bringing my husband. NOPE! I’m not going back…my feet only know how to move forward, so I want it all Lord. All that you have for me….I want it!

I believe that as Christians we sometimes lose the “fight” in us. But what if you’re living the life God wants for you and still blows come and knock you down? What will your response be? Will you fight for your hearts desire? Will you fight for your child’s salvation, for the restoration of your marriage, for a love to return to you for your spouse, for your dream? Will you fight or resign yourself to the thought that “I guess it was meant to be this way”?

I chose to fight!

“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.” Psalm 18:32-36

In Love

This emotion…Love, it gives you wings, you take flight wherever you are and no matter how grave any situation may become love gives you the strength to fly above it.

I’ve never know what it is to be married but I do know what it is to love with my whole being. I loved my ex in that way…with every fiber within me. And with no regrets I can look back with a smile because the fact is…I loved. The breakup was a life shifting experience and I wondered if I would ever love or one day experience marriage. But with God’s loving guidance I walked through the valley of healing, releasing all my pains, hopes and dreams that were all tied to that relationship.

Love give you wings…I have a pair of wings again but this time bigger, stronger and the tie runs deep.

I think of Him when I wake up. I go to Him when I’m hurting and He is the first one I look to when something funny occurs. I seek His guidance when facing a fork in the road. I try to stay aware of my relationship with Him, that there is always balance and that I don’t neglect it. I fear that I may get so caught up with day-to-day life that He would feel like I have pushed Him aside, when He deserves the very best. His love comforts me, strengthens me, and guides me. He is my confidant, He knows all my secrets and my deep hearts desire, He loves me even when I’m not deserving of it and He always desires the best for me.

I have known the Lord since I was a child but only until recently have I fallen in love with Him. Words fail me in describing what His love gives me…but it gives me more than I could ever have imagined. And yes I do know that one day I will know what it is to love in the context of marriage. How do I know this…because He promised that He is bringing him to me.

Proverbs 31:30 “Charm can fool you, and beauty can trick you, but a woman who respects the Lord should be praised.”

I have also fallen in love with my children. From the first day they entered my life, I loved them. This move has made the three of us come together in a way that I didn’t expect. They look out for me and try to make me as comfortable as possible, with my crazy work hours I see them make every attempt to bring ease to me. I sat them down not too long ago explaining that were not going to have a Christmas with presents this year but that I still want to decorate. So we hung up our stockings (it pained me to think that I won’t be filling them this year) Serena decorated our tree as we listened to Christmas music. They saw how I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to put presents under our tree and with that they said, “But we have each other and isn’t that what’s its all about”? I looked at them and agreed. I love them so much and am eternally grateful that the Lord allowed me to raise these beautiful ladies.

Love…its gives you wings. Release yourself to fly again!

Soldiers...Past and Present

Today is a day that we honor those men and women who have served and are currently serving our country. Those who have fought bravely and gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

I honor you! Thank you for fighting for my freedom. Because of your hard works and sacrifices my daughters and I are able to continue to exercise the freedoms we were born into living in this country. America may not be a perfect country....but what country is? I love the land that I call my home.

And to all the military men and women, may God Bless you and your families!

God Bless America!

John 15:13 "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for a friends."

I can GO!

My passport is one of my most treasured possessions. I remember opening the package and pulling out this blue pocket size pass. That’s what it was for me, a pass, I could go anywhere I please and this is what allowed me the freedom to. No longer are my desires to travel only a dream…I can do it now, I can GO! And I haven’t stopped ever since…and don’t plan on.

You know that is how I feel about the Lord. With Him I can do anything, go anywhere, and be anything I desire. He assures me that my time will come. He gives me the strength to continue forward and He fills the journey with moments of great joy, laughter and fond memories.

Since starting my new job I find myself needing to have balance. I come home late, so I go to bed late and thus wake up late. My two days off are Monday and Tuesday and I don’t want to spend them sleeping in…all the time. I need balance.

So it’s a chilly day here in the Windy City and even though I have things to attend to and can send Serena to handle all the “running around” we’re going to forgo all of that and enjoy this day. I’m going to stretch my legs out and take my dog for a walk. I may not be able to use my passport today but I will be able to explore this great city of mine.

Embrace the gypsy in you and allow the Lord to move you: mind, body and soul!

Us

Whew!

Let me just start by saying how faithful my God is. I feel His strength, peace and joy fill me each new day and I am blessed. I started my new job and I really like it. I have never worked swing shift before and it’s not too bad.

But let me share a funny story with you: I was on my way home after work one day and forgot to check the weather report. It was late and that night took me 2 ½ hours to make it to my exit on the El. So upon exiting I realized its pouring! I don’t have the right shoes on and I brought the flimsy small umbrella. Oh no! I started to leave then noticed that Bus 22 was still running so I waited at the stop along with others. Now keep in mind it’s about 1:15 in the morning, after a while the bus finally lets us on and everyone is getting themselves together on the bus. The driver didn’t hear my request to exit and dropped me off one exit too far. Ok, so now I’m walking in the rain, puddles everywhere, it’s cold and way too late for me to be walking the streets of Chicago. I have my pepper spray out and ready to spray anyone who comes around me. My motto: SPRAY, KICK AND RUN! I’m walking through small ponds (I couldn’t call them puddles cause they were more than that) my feet are pruning in my shoes and my pants are wet up to my thighs! Now I guess someone else would feel like crying and say this is not what I signed up for, but not me. As I’m walking I say a quick prayer asking the Lord to protect me and get me home safely. Peace has filled me and laughter begins to bubble in me. I’m thinking, “I left California for this….yup that’s what I did.” A huge smile lands on my face and I pick up the pace to get home faster. As I’m walking home I feel grateful that the Lord has given me the strength to do what I’m doing. He has given me the peace that He is in control, and He has filled me with joy to laugh at moments that probably would call for tears.

The thing is I trust the Lord, so all I go through and the changes that I encounter I know my God is faithful to equip me to pass through it unharmed.

Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and the one who saves me. I fear no one. The Lord protects my life; I am afraid of no one.”

When?

When do you look at your situation and say “enough”? When do you decide that you can go no further and return to a life that is familiar? Since moving here I have said that change is not for the faint of heart and that is still true. There have been many moments where I have felt like I could not go on any further. I have felt like I have taken steps backwards instead of forward. Never doubting that God brought me here for a reason, just wondering how long I would have to endure this season.

The tide always turns and the winds change course. And it’s happening in my life as well. I got a new job! Oh thank you Jesus! Today is my last day in the deli and Wednesday I start my new job. I’m so grateful that God has opened the doors. On another note, Michael and I have been busy working on information needed for our website. We now have a business phone number and cell phones for the new company. There is such an excitement about our business and look forward to our grand opening! God’s hand is upon this company and we will honor Him in all we do with it.

So when do you say “enough”? Well for those who know they cannot return to a life that wasn’t enough for them…we don’t. We may fall, stumble and have set backs but we never give up. Cause just when you’re not looking God comes in and opens a new door and your journey continues.

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow weary and tired, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not grow faint.” – Isaiah 40: 29-31

Loving it!

I have so much to be grateful for…and I am. I can look at my life and see the needs that have not yet been met OR I can look to the Lord and keep moving forward. And that is what we are doing…were moving forward knowing that God is in control. This move has proven to be the best thing for all of us. I have been meeting so many people and there are so many things to do out here. There is just not enough time in a day. Our new company is moving along and the idea’s are flowing. Website to be up and going by January. Serena, my oldest daughter will be moving to Paris (Lord willing) later next year, working as an Au Pair. I’m so proud of her and how she is showing so much initiative and motivation. Children really do grow up right before you. Sarah has been taking Art Classes every Tuesday in downtown Chicago and she loves it. This city has many opportunities for her future writing education. I have refused to sit along and wait…I have jumped in with both feet and am getting involved. I have never felt more alive! I love it!!!

Still Standing

Have you ever felt like the responsibilities of life are more than you can bear at times? Lately I have. I noticed I was pulling away from people the past two days. I’m not one who can fake my emotions very well so when I feel uncertain I pull back. This is not a place I let myself stay for long but I needed to regroup.

Last week the Lord showed me that living here will be a place that I will call “The Lord Provides” and let me tell you that is no easy place to be. I think in this day and age we try to be self sufficient individuals and I was one of those people. But now I am in total dependency on the Lord. It has proven to be a struggle for me and when I find myself feeling frustrated, unsure or at a loss for any emotion I pull back.

This is what I know: The Lord is my provider! He is my way maker and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

“Be still and know that I am God”…

As a mother I see the needs of my home and children and automatically want to shift into gear to get things done. Make it happen! Out here I find the Lord not letting me. “Be still and know that I am God”. Is being still a form of an action Lord? Because I don’t feel like anything’s happening? Ahh but it is, God is moving on my behalf as I stand and trust Him to provide. When I have done all that I can I then sing His praises. I encourage myself in His word and stand on His promises. I release all that fills me and chokes my joy, and I let Him refresh my spirit.

Still Standing….

Discovering

After my family left it took me a couple of days to get back on track. Emotionally I had a hard time letting them go and getting back to my life and moving forward. But I did and once again there is that excitement to accomplish all I set out to do.

So as of today Michael and I should be receiving our business cards this week. YES! Our company logo is done and now we are waiting for updates on the progress of our website. We both feel excited for what God has in store for this new business adventure. I’m still working in the deli department and even though I don’t enjoy this job I am grateful that I have it. Tomorrow I turn in an extensive background check application, and I was told the process can take from 2 to 4 weeks, Robert said its more common for just the two and I’m praying that to be true. This new job would be wonderful! Its what I use to do in California just on a grander scale, the pay and hours are better as well. I just need to hold on….to the hand of God.

Of course I miss my friends and family but I’m making new ones out here. I try to stay open to new opportunities and experiences. Yesterday my neighbors/friends had another BBQ, since its chilly outside we ate in doors. We listened to one friend share his “critical thinking” paper and shared our thoughts on that. As we ate we watched a movie and enjoyed each others company. I'm very grateful and blessed to have wonderful neighbors who look out for each other.

As I was praying yesterday I was filled with praise. I was first reading the Word and God had me read Genesis 22, I read about Abraham’s faith and how much he trusted the Lord, always knowing that He will provide. In Genesis 22:14 it says “So Abraham named that place The Lord Provides.” Then it hit me…Chicago is a place that I will call “The Lord Provides”….and then I broke. As I fell to my knees I was overwhelmed by the needs of my home and children. I was filled knowing that I’m teetering and NEED God to come through. With all of that filling me the only words that could come out were words of praise. I praise you Lord because you are worthy. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. I serve a faithful and just God and I give you all the honor and glory. You are my God, my King, a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path, you are my provider, my healer, my deliverer, my redeemer and you have set my feet upon a rock. I walk by faith and not by sight and I TRUST YOU MY LORD!

Psalm 146
“Praise the Lord! My whole being, praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praises to my God as long as I live.

Do not put your trust in princes or other people, who cannot save you. When people die, they are buried. Then all of their plans come to an end. Happy are those who are helped by the God of Jacob. Their hope is in the Lord their God. He made heaven and earth, the sea and everything in it. He remains loyal forever. He does what is fair for those who have been wronged. He gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free. The Lord gives sight to the blind. The Lord lifts up people who are in trouble. The Lord loves those who do right. The Lord protects the foreigners. He defends the orphans and widows, but he blocks the way of the wicked.
The Lord will be King forever. Jerusalem, your God is everlasting.
Praise the Lord!”

Fall Pictures

Happy Fall

Fall is officially here! There is so much that I love about this time of year. Now living in Chicago I was glad to say farewell to summer. The air is crisp and it has started to rain…and rain it has! I have already experienced getting soaked walking home from work one night, I missed my bus and my umbrella was leaking! Ugh! But I’m ready now; I have a new and larger umbrella and rain boots. Yay me! The radiator is on now in our apartment. Oh goodness we are so happy for that. Since we have no control of the heat and the weather has gotten colder we were all too pleased to have the heat filling our home. It’s the little things that make us happy out here. Ha-Ha! I was expecting all of us to get sick at least once this season since this weather is extremely different from California. And Sarah has started that process, she got sick the other day and little by little she is getting back on track.

This time of year always puts me in the best of moods. Here is a list of my favorite things about this time.

Fall scented candles
Pumpkin carving and attempting to bake the seeds
Wearing sweatshirts
Decorating
Colorful leaves
Making Halloween goodies which include popcorn balls, rice crispy treats and caramel apples
Watching Charlie Brown movies
Soups, Soups and more Soups
Going trick-or-treating with my sister and the younger kids
Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks
Wrapping myself with a big blanket reading a book
Watching movies with my daughters and dog Bubba

So here are some reasons I love fall…I’m sure you have some of your own….what are some of your family traditions that you love about this time of year?

Don’t know…

I never really knew what I had until it was gone. My family (Mom, Sister and Aunt) came from California to visit me and my daughters and my cousin Michael, they were here for only 3 days but I loved it!

I was so nervous knowing that they were going to come to my new “home”. What were they going to think? Would they think that I made a huge mistake? Would they not like the city and feel I made a bad decision? I was so nervous.

But of course I was completely wrong. They came and just loved on me and my girls. My mother cooked, made my home smell wonderful, and filled my new home with familiar scents that warmed my heart. My home had what I didn’t realized I missed so much…the laughter of familiar voices….the voices that I love, my family! We didn’t do too much exploring because what little time we did have we just wanted to spend it with each other. Catching up on things and they wanted me to show them what my day to day life consist of. The first night at my place my Aunt Martha brought a bag of Mexican sweetbread. I wanted to cry because that was one thing I missed about my family back home in California. I missed us sitting around talking, drinking coffee, laughing and eating sweetbread.

My sister brought her camera and took pictures of me and my daughters around town so that I can make my Christmas card. The weather didn’t cooperate but that just added to the fun of the experience.

All the while I realized that my family won’t be with me for the holidays. My mother has always made the holidays a special time…and I won’t have them this year. Much too quickly our time was coming to an end. My family celebrated Serena’s 17th birthday with us and we all had a great time.

My mother brought us warm blankets, sweatshirts, thick socks and pj’s for the girls. She also bought me a pair of rain boots and my sister bought me a large umbrella. You have no idea how much those things were needed and how we appreciate all that they did for us.

Sunday morning came to fast and my family was off. As I hugged each one I didn’t want to let go. You can’t leave me yet. I feel strong and safe when I am wrapped with their love. I didn’t want them to leave my home. I couldn’t stop crying as they drove away. That’s my family!

Then it hit me. You never fully realize what you have until it’s gone. You just don’t know. Thank you for coming to visit us. Thank you for the laughter, encouragement and love that you poured on me and my daughters. I love you more than words can say….

Making the List

I have enjoyed a couple of days off of work and have used that time to refocus. Shaking off the daze and planting my feet on the ground, ready to accomplish the reason I set out and moved here. So in honor of my sister I "made a list". This would please her so since she is a huge fan of Lists.

1. Answer Michael's emails regarding our business
2. research how to turn my blog into a book
3. music schools
4. what road will I choose for getting my degree in English/Latin
5. learning Italian/French

I'm so excited about the opportunities that are coming to us regarding our new travel business. As I was making the list and then conducting my research on each topic I grew more and more excited. I was partially excited because my daughter Sarah finally started school today and I'm looking forward to hearing all about her day. Yes! We can say this is our home...this is our life.

My family will be visiting next week and I'm looking forward to that visit. Its a wonderful feeling to realize that your life is really happening. No longer planning for things to take place but now living it. Moving forward with each plan and accomplishing them. Along the way realizing that there are some amazing people in this fantastic world of ours who are just as enthusiastic about seeing you accomplish your goals as you are.

This is it!

Remember

The dust is still settling in my new life here in Chicago. I’m trying to create some familiarities but I’ve been struggling. It’s been an inward battle.

One evening when I was walking to my place I ran into a good friend of mine. We sat on her patio and talked, it felt good to share the recent events of my life and listen to her wonderful stories. I can listen to this woman for hours. She was sharing a time when she was working as a waitress and how much she hated that job. As she was telling her story I felt like she was looking into my life. Miss Venice told how she would become physically sick before going to work and how she would cry at night after work. As we sat on her patio and shared a fruit tart she encouraged me and reminded me that there is a reason I’m working where I am. Who knows what could happen out here, I might meet someone who will one day publish my book or someone who will use my new up and coming travel business. She reminded me how the possibilities are endless but that I’m here for a reason. Miss Venice….your friendship is a great treasure to me in this new and odd city of which I’m trying to call my home.

I’m learning that when you are physically worn down its hard to remember the direction in which you are heading towards. On my way home two days ago from a hard, long days work I put on Andrea Bocelli. My head was pounding! My body was tired and I couldn’t stop the tears. I’m so tired Lord….I’m so tired. As I drove home the music played and I remembered….ITALY! That’s where I’m going. That’s where I’m heading…Chicago was only my launching pad to get me to Italy.

Ahhh….the music played and I remembered.

I won’t always be this tired. There is a process in achieving your goals…and it’s not for the faint hearted.

I remembered!

The Meantime

A little over a week and a half I have been dealing with some emotions that I couldn’t place. Besides being physically tired from a job that I haven’t performed since I was 18, I honestly wasn’t in a mood to deal with much.

So let me explain.

Have you ever known that something great is awaiting you? Have you ever just known that great things were not too far from presenting themselves to you? It’s an exciting feeling and time to know that this is your season to reap the harvest. It’s a time for your barrels to be filled.

So here I am with my two daughters. We moved from California to Chicago. I gave it all up and trusted the Lords guidance. I got our place and settled us in. Then started looking for work, and continued to look for work, and continued…. WOW! Still looking, went to a couple of interviews and felt good about them but nothing!

FINALLY something opens up and it’s not what I wanted…but its something. Got my first week of work in and realized how much I hate this job. Oh my goodness. God you have to open other doors. First of all the pay will not even take care of the basic needs of my home. Winter is coming and I’m not ready. Second, I hate this work! My body is aching, my head is killing me and I have had a stiff neck since my first day on the job!!

Do you know that there was one day as I was getting ready that I just cried? I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to do this. But I had no choice; there was no other way that I was going to make money other than going to work…to a job I hated!

I knew God had not abandoned me but I didn’t understand. I was so exhausted that I would come home to fall asleep shortly after. I lost my joy…I was too tired to be happy. Finally on my day off I prayed and told the Lord that I knew He didn’t bring me here to work in a deli. I knew something big was about to happen and asked Him to give me the physical strength to be faithful to the job He has opened for me. Yes, I continue to send out my resume and I know that this job is only for a season. So I’m not fighting it any longer, this is my job.

This is what I have learned so far from this experience. As Christians we understand that life has its “seasons”. We have experienced all of them in our life at one point or another. Who doesn’t love a season of spring or summer? It’s a time when we feel Gods light shining on our lives and we feel blessed. There is an easy flow in that season; it’s a time of rest. And it is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest. But even in our seasons of fall and winter when our lives are being pruned and purified it too has a blessed time. For me even though it’s a tough season, I grow in my relationship with the Lord.

I’m in a season I call “The Meantime”. I’m understanding it the longer I’m in it. Here I was standing on the Word of God asking Him to part my red sea, to be big in my situation. Here I am God I believe and know you will come through!!!

DO IT NOW!

I acted like He is a magician and with a wave of His wand all will be fixed.

I now understand that this is my season to be in….the meantime. Do I still feel like greatness awaits me? Most defiantly I do! Do I know that God has great plans in store for me? Yes I do and I know that they will come to pass. But this is my season and I will bless the Lord in all I do!

My God is with me every step of the way. He is my God of the Valley and Mountain Top…and He is with me in the meantime….

Bahai Temple

Tired

Hi everyone!

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything but I have been adjusting to my new job and I'm really tired. Its not the job I want but I am grateful to be working. God continues to show me His faithfulness. But you know when your physically exhausted its hard to show enthusiasm for anything else. I'm really trying to "adjust" as quickly as possible. But I hold on to the fact that I won't always work here and that this is only for a "season"...God has bigger plans for my life I just need to be faithful to what I do have.

On the upside of things is that now that I'm working I feel like I'm earning my right to live in this city...and that feels good. Michael and I are starting our own business together and will be up and running by mid-Jan so I will keep everyone posted. God has truly had His hand in that and we are seeing God open doors and bring us amazing contacts. We know this is all part of His plan and we are very excited!

Well I have to go....

Love to you all.... oh by the way my girls and doing great! They really love living here and have jumped in with both feet. But I wouldn't have expected anything less from them. Serena has really stepped up and I'm so proud of her. I also see wonderful opportunities for my Sarah.

Never Late

Ps. 62:1 “I find rest in God; only He can save me.”
v.5 “…only He gives me hope.”

I had two choices.

I’m waiting for God to be BIG in my situation. I feel like I’m waiting for my “red sea” to part, my big miracle to happen. And just when you think “this is how God will make it happen” and when it doesn’t you can feel frustrated, angry and sad. Thinking “Really God?” how much more can I do this? I could have stayed in that state of mind, but it wasn’t one that I enjoyed. In that place I was feeling agitated, I didn’t want to be reminded of scriptures. I DO BELIEVE! Stop telling me that is what I need to continue doing. I don’t see you walking by faith and trusting God like I have been. Stop preaching to the choir, I know all of that, I just can’t believe I could fail out here when I was obedient and trusted His plan. I don’t know….

I felt that way for about a good 15 minutes.

It wasn’t a place that I wanted to stay….so I chose the other.

I may not be a mighty warrior whose armor and weapons are visible. I may not be able to charge my enemy with sword in hand as I run towards the battle. My weapon is my voice. So I will use what God has given me. I stood on the Word of God. Where it does not return void, you are the same God who delivered the Israelites from their oppressor the Egyptians, you delivered Daniel from a den of lions, you allowed David to defeat Goliath and you will come through for me and the needs of my home. “For I have never seen the righteous forsaken….” “If God be for me than whom shall I fear?” “Faith without works is dead”! I serve a big God. Do you know why in Bible times there were so many miracles? Why in third world countries we still see demons cast out, the blind given sight, the lame to walk again? It’s because there is no plan B. There is only God. So…I have no plan B my friends because I don’t need it. I have the Almighty God working on my behalf. Until then I will be a blessing to others. If there is a need and I can fill it then I will do so. If I can be a listening ear to those who need someone to hear them, then I’m there. For when we refresh others then in turn we ourselves are refreshed.

My weapon is my voice! I will sing of Gods goodness all the days of my life. I will sing a melody of His faithful love towards me. I will bless the Lord oh my soul….

My God is never late…He’s always on time!

Walking Backwards

Have you ever felt like you were going in the wrong direction?

Well I recently felt that way. Clearly knowing I’m in the will of God but feeling like I took a couple of steps in the wrong direction. I thought to myself “Really?” I wondered what I had done wrong to have to take these steps that I felt were in a direction I had no desire to go.

God’s peace is unshakeable. Unquestionable. And so I continued in a direction that I didn’t want to go…but I trust the One who leads me. I see my situation and know that God will provide for every need. He is my God and I trust Him! What a liberation that has been. I walk in peace. I live comforted knowing that God is guiding me to my “promise land”. So who or what shall I fear? If God be for me…. You know the verse! Now live it!

Sure there are times in our lives that we feel in a way, which words fail us. We just throw our hands up and say “I don’t know”. I’m sure we have all questioned our lives and what has become of it. We could be frustrated with the position of our jobs, finances, marriage or not being in a relationship that leads to marriage. The list goes on…you get my point. But the thing of it is, if God is leading you then know that His plan is far greater than yours could ever be.

So, yes I was humbled and uncertain for a moment regarding my direction. But ultimately all I want is EVERYTHING God has planned for me. So I spent time in prayer. At first I stumbled and felt like my prayers where bouncing off the ceiling. Then silence…..I sat….in His presence. I cried and emptied my thoughts and feelings to the Lord. I sat silently and allowed Him to give me the courage to continue on the path He has placed me on. Peace filled me.

To others it might seem like we are walking backwards. But they just don’t understand…cause…. IT’S A GOD THING!

What I know…

Ps. 37:25 “I was young and now I am old, but I have never seen good people left helpless or their children begging for food.”

Hebrews 13:5-6 “For He (the Lord) Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

Luke 10:19 “Behold! I have given you authority and power….over all the power that the enemy (possesses); and nothing shall in any way harm you.”

This is what I know. This is what I stand on…the word of God…that never returns void! So why is there an excitement in me when my physical situation has not changed as far as I can see? Because God brought me here….this is His plan for my life. There is so much that I’m running towards. So many exciting things that are before my eyes playing out!

So yes, I have a job. Now lets explore that a bit. I have not worked for a grocery store since I was 18 and living in Berkeley. I have not worked for this LITTLE amount of money in over 20 years. BUT….this is what I have and I will be faithful. Lord I will do my part being faithful to my job and you will provide for every need in my home. I stand on the three scriptures on the top of this message. I STAND on your word Lord. I trust Him and He fills me with peace. How will every bill be paid for? Don’t know. How will my cupboards remain filled? Not sure. How will I get us ready for winter? I dunno. I do not fear what I don’t know because…I BELIEVE!

Matt. 17:17 “ Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I bear with you?...”

I believe without question that God will make a way where there is no way. I BELIEVE!

Family

I have a wonderful family/support system. From my mother, father, sister, aunts and countless cousins I am blessed. For years I felt like in some way or another my family never understood me or was holding me back, not supporting my dreams. I felt like I was the freak of the group, and I probably still am. But since moving I have realized that I come from a great group of people that I am able to call family. They love me, support my crazy dream to leave California, they pray for me and they miss me! They miss me?! I guess I never realized how much they love me. And yes I may be the freak or odd ball of the group, but I’m theirs.

Love you all very much!!

Rise Up!

This is my home this is where I belong. What is…will not always be. How fragile my faith shows itself to be. But my faith remains!

The road is different and more difficult than I had anticipated it to be. But I am not alone. The Lord has been my constant companion and faithful to fill me with His peace and knowledge that He shall supply for all my needs.

There is no giving up, no packing our belongings and saying lets go back to our family where it will be easier. That would be the easy road, the road that makes sense when you are hurting and feel overwhelmed. But that is NOT MY ROAD! So I press towards the mark…I remain and fight the good fight. Our hope endures the worst of conditions! Immanuel – God is with us, El Shaddai – All sufficient, El Roi – God who sees me, El Chaiyai – God of my life, El-Channun – Gracious God, El Sali – God of my strength, El Hannora – Awesome God!

Rise up my friend! Rise up and know that God is with us.

Psalm 25:20 “Protect me and save me, I trust you, so do not let me be disgraced.”

iPraise!

James 5:16 “….When a believing person prays, great things happen.”

Thank you Lord. Your love amazes me. Your peace and joy that fills my life strengthens each step I take. Your faithfulness is more than I deserve.

When I am weak you refresh my spirit and breathe life once again in me. When I feel weary you bring people that encourage me. You have time and time again since arriving here, have shown me this is where you want me. No one can deny this is the plan you have for me.

My “natural” eyes see what I lack, what is not. But my “spiritual” eyes see what you have done. I thank you now for that job you are giving me. I thank you now for protecting and directing my children’s lives. I thank you now for providing so that every bill is paid. I thank you that my cupboards are filled. I know its all on its way Lord! I know this because you are a faithful God. Your word says that “…You will never leave me nor forsake me.” And your word never returns void!

So I rise up from where I fell on my knees and wept, from where I fell into despair and sorrow, from where I felt myself being sucked into a hole of discouragement and disappointment. And I rise up and iPraise the One who loves me and guides me. I praise you because you are worthy to be praised. I will praise you in the valley and I will praise you on the mountain top. I will praise you when I wake in the morning and before I sleep at night.

iPraise!

Look!

Here are some pictures of Chicago. The girls and I really love it here. Its a great city and we have met some wonderful people. These pictures are of downtown and the one with Michael were at our favorite spot to buy Gelato. He told me its an area the locals have named Viagra Triangle, because younger women dress up and hook up with the older rich men. I think its funny because it really is obvious.

That Woman!

That woman is my biggest fan. She’s my constant supporter and encourager. She listens to my ideas, even when she doesn’t understand me or what I’m trying to convey. She laughs with me and most importantly keeps me in prayer…daily! That woman is my mother and I am blessed to have her in my life. I appreciate her daily calls, asking me what is happening and sharing what God is doing in her life. She listens when I explain what I’m going through or how this road the Lord has me on can be very tough. I know I will write about it but it doesn’t change the fact that God is calling me to rise above what I see and move into the realm that is calling for my faith to rise up! Easier said than done…but it will be done.

My mother. I love you and look forward to seeing you here in October.

Thank you mom…you’re the best!

Sightless

Since arriving in Chicago it has been a whirlwind. It doesn’t matter that I prayed and planned this move for a year, once leaving Modesto my life has felt like a constant shift. The ground never seemed to settle…nor have I. Once I said my good-byes to my friends and family everything has been moving, changing and adjusting. Lately I have felt sad. Not understanding what is going on or what my current position should be. First thing I knew was I had to get us here. Once that was completed it was all about getting the keys to our new home. Then we waited 6 days for the movers to deliver our belongings. In between that I was off shopping for cleaning supplies, basic necessities and food. I felt like the money was like water flowing through my hands and that concerned me. Finally our stuff arrived and it felt great to have our familiar belongings back. It took us three days to establish our new home. I have been sending my resume out and actively looking for work.

Its easy to forget why God brought me here. My main focus has been looking for work. Its easy to get discouraged and to lose hope. The last couple of days I have felt very sad. Today I had to stop….just stop. Do you know how hard it is to stop? My mind was racing with anxiety telling me that I have to find work. The money will run out and fast. That can’t happen God…I can’t stop. Not now. All the while I was losing my hope while I was rushing toward the goal. My feet stopped today. I had nothing to go forward with any longer. My joy left me and I forgot why I was here.

Forgive me Lord for forgetting how faithful you have been and continue to be. I remember it was you who gave me the desire to move and it has been YOU to open every door. You brought us here safely. You provided our new home. You arranged Michaels schedule so that he would be here with me the first two weeks so I wouldn’t freak out and get frustrated. You brought me here…and it wasn’t to fail! Forgive me for forgetting. You ask that I have faith the size of a mustard seed. That is what I have and I give it to you.

Ps. 30:11 “You changed my sorrow into dancing. You took away my clothes of sadness and clothed me in happiness.”

I see. I see the people around me. I hear them Lord. I see!

Change

Well change isn't for the faint hearted! I do love it here in Chicago but let me say that it was so different from the life that I lead for so long. Its loud! And all the time. There is always something going on and if its not the ice cream truck that parks outside my bedroom window at 10pm its a couple arguing about money. I'm so grateful to have my cousin Michael here for me...he has been such a lifesaver! Assuring me that this is the way things are out here when I question...everything! He has kept me motivated and focused on achieving all my goals and new ones that we both have come upon.

There have been moments that I really miss my friends and family. And that's when I believe that change is not for the faint hearted...because its hard. You have to straighten your back and say I must go forward!! God truly has been faithful in every area of this process. His peace continues to move me and I'm amazed how faithful He is to every small detail.

I love my new city.....but I still miss all of you!!

The road

We left last Friday and what I thought the trip would be like and what it actually is was very different. The drive has taken more energy from me that I was expecting. There have been some ups and downs on this trip. I believe that God has been showing me how He is always in control, guiding, protecting, comforting, and encouraging me along this journey. Funny how we always want to take the control back. Control of where we're going, how we get there, and what takes place along the way. But doing that makes the journey tough. How can you be obediant when we're constantly trying to regain control? Throughout this drive I have had to repeatedly surrender. I love doing that. I can lay at His feet all my cares, concerns, and thoughts that weigh heavy on me, knowing that he will take it from me and refresh my spirit. He has and continues to lead me to green pastures and still waters. And I am grateful for He is my Shepard.



Sent from my iPhone

Leading

Ok I have not posted pictures the last two days because I have been either very busy or I am having technical difficulties. So pics are coming soon.

The first two days I really didn't enjoy. The third day was my breaking point. After talking with a friend and talking things out I realized I don't like to lead. I'm not a leader...I never have been. I have always been someone who will make my own decisions but will not make it for others. You may think "well you lead your children", but that is not all that true. When living in California we had a routine. We all knew what to do. We got up and either went to school or work. Saturdays were "movie days" and Sunday was church. We all knew what to do and what was expected of us. But now....

I struggled with the new role. I didn't want it and I told the Lord how uncomfortable it was. But God has showed me that He truly is leading me...I'm just the first one in line to follow on this journey.

Before getting back on the road my friend said for me to live in the moment. It was just what I needed to hear...what I needed to be reminded of. The remainder of the trip yesterday was...fun! I enjoyed the view and sang to the music, car danced and took pics along the way. We passed through Wyoming and into South Dakota...all I could think about as I was enjoying the beauty of these states was that it truly is God's country. What beauty before me!!

I was reading up on my Facebook acct this morning and Sister Maria had posted something that blessed me, this is what she posted:
When you say YES to God's call, you can't expect instant revelations of His plan. You enter a life of learning to listen, praying for guidance, trusting step by step, seeking His will and learning to rely on the Holy Spirit.

Chi-Town Day 2

Day two…three states! Sometimes the road can be boring. But I really wanted to push myself and I did. I guess what I did notice about Day 2 was that I felt an excitement in me. I knew I was going somewhere. I don’t know how the details of my new life are gonna look like but knowing that it’s a “new” life is exciting alone.

Day 1 was a day that looking back I felt numb. I said good-bye. I drove away from the ones who love me. I left the people who I know sometimes don’t understand or always “get” me but they try…I left them behind. I took my hand from theirs and placed it in the hand of the One who is now leading me towards the life that He created me for.

There were times on the road that I was so tired of the same scenery. Nevada was a lot of desert and Utah was the same but everything was white. And the blinding white really made it difficult at times. We stopped at Salt Lake City and I quickly realized I didn’t want to stay long. I bet we were a site to see. Serena with her shaved head and then myself and an arm of tattoo’s. So we ate and left…quickly! Idaho was a wonderful surprise. I’ve been to Boise before but this part of Idaho was different. We stopped for the night at Idaho Falls and the drive was beautiful! Farm land, beautiful mountains and the cool evening breeze has made Day 2 a wonderful ending.

Chi-town day 1

I didn't get much sleep and woke up too early, but I had to get some "road" under us. So off we went.

Saying good-bye was harder than I thought it would be. How do you say good-bye to those who were a constant in your life? How do you walk away from the ones who love you more than you know? It was hard...

Day one on the road was long, boring & not interesting. But I wad determined to at least drive over 350 miles...and I did. Here are just a few pic's of my view. I'm off to the hotel swimming pool. And for those of you who are germ phobics...I DON'T CARE what you think of it! I'm tired and need to relax. Hopefully I'll have pictures of Yellowstone for you tomorrow.

Sent from my iPhone

Wine

For as long as I have known my friend Becky we have been trying to go wine tasting together. As much as Becky plays down her knowledge to wine she was the best person to go with. I couldn't have imagined being with anyone else but my sweet friend. It was an extremely hot day but with my time coming to a close in California we just had to bit the bullet and go.

I found my wine. I enjoy white wines...Chardonnay to be exact. We went to two different wineries and I bought a bottle from each location. We later went walking around Livermore and enjoyed some Mexican food for an early dinner before driving back home to Modesto. I never knew there were wineries in Livermore. But there they are and the grounds are so beautiful and the people are very friendly... I didn't feel at all foolish for not knowing the "lingo" to wine. It was a great day...thanks Becky!

Thanks!

Today I used my Garmen GPS for the first time. I went to Morgan Hill to pick up my mother. I didn't want to call my brother-in-law for directions...I had to do this on my own. So I put the address in and pressed "GO"...and up came the map with directions. I did it!! Small victory on my part...but victory it was nonetheless. You even may think it silly but to me this mattered. I'm driving to Chicago with two teenage girls and a small dog. So I needed to know I can put my confidence in my new handy-dandy-gadget.

Thank you to all my MID friends who pitched in and bought the Garmen for me as my going away gift. You guys are the best!

Packing

This week I have focused my energies on packing. I just can't believe how much stuff I have. Where did I put it all? Anyway it has been a good week. Monday I met with my friend Becky A at Queen Bean and caught up with all that is going on and I went to my old job and was visiting. It's been a good week. I just get sad as I'm packing because my house looks so empty. My daughter said that she feels the opposite. With each new box she knows we are that much closer to leaving. That's a good way to look at it.

Greener on the other side

“The grass is always greener on the other side”.

How untrue that statement is for me. For months I knew the direction of my life. After I quite my job I truly was on the “other side” and it was emotionally confusing. The grass didn’t seem greener. I didn’t feel happier nor did I feel a release to finally pursue my dreams with more intensity. I felt the complete opposite.

Why was I feeling confused, selfish and at a loss for words? I was feeling overwhelmingly intimidated by the dream. Could I really do this? Could I really succeed? And if this is from God why am I feeling this way?

I believe as Christians we secretly believe that if it is from God that the path in which He leads us to will be laced with gold and daisies. Angels will be visibly guiding us as angelic music plays and with each step we are enlightened and gaining wisdom and understanding.

In the Bible it says that David had to encourage himself in the Lord. And so that is what I am doing. Psalm 16:7 “I praise the Lord because He advises me. Even at night, I feel His leading.” Yes, He leads me. No, the feelings I have had are not gone. They are still there but I choose not to be governed by them. I choose to remember and trust the plan that God has for me and my daughters. The fact is this: the road is narrow and few will follow…but I will not turn back. I refuse to be governed by what I see or how I feel. I WILL DELIGHT MYSELF IN THE LORD!! I will push forward and place my hand in His who leads me.

I will not be shackled by confusion or a feeling of intimidation. And it is in the journey that the Lord will release the words in me like a floodgate.

Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I will trust you.”

MID

May 29th. That was my last day at MID. A place I worked for a little over 6 years. I learned a lot from that company. I leaned people’s character and integrity. I appreciate all that MID provided for me and my family but I am happy to move forward toward a life I am now creating. This past couples of days has been interesting. I have always worked; there has never been a time when I haven’t, so to not have a schedule is a little odd. Yesterday I found myself being in a hurry…but to go where? I was on no schedule, I had no appointments to go to and I was meeting with no one. But yet I was feeling rushed. Then I took a deep breath and slowed my pace down. I think that is all out of habit. Always feeling like we don’t have enough time in the day…needing to make every second count. I’ll enjoy undoing that habit.

Thank you everyone for making my last day wonderful. Special thanks to Erin and Blanca for all the extra effort you put into my day!!

Snapped!

I don’t think we ever make a conscious decision to neglect our relationship with the Lord. But it happens. The demands of life, the goals we are reaching for and relationships we are trying to keep together. Busy with that we didn’t realize we pushed God out and took over. Then one day we realize how loud everything has become. It’s just too loud!

In February I wrote the above sentences. Funny how that happens….even when you think you won’t let it happen again.

I snapped today. I knew it was coming and I’m grateful it finally did. I knew I couldn’t have kept it together much longer.

I was keeping to the plan! I had a plan and in order for me to make it out of here and start pursuing my dream on another level…the plan had to be accomplished!

Do you know that I never came up with the plan…God gave it to me along the way. But I was the one who was making sure it happened. I was the one. “….I pushed God out and took over.” Yup, that’s how it happened and I was becoming someone very ugly. Do you know that I knew God was asking me to stop what I was doing and spend more time with Him? And just the thought of slowing down would irritate me. Instead of being obedient, my actions were saying “when I’m done Lord I’ll spend time with you, but there are still things on the list that need my attention!”

What I found to happen in my own life was that when I put God aside because I was busy taking over…I lost. I lost my joy, love, peace, laughter, compassion, patience and humanity. I came home today and fell on my knee’s and cried out to the One who loves me. I gave Him my feeble attempt to accomplish the task’ without Him. I sat quietly in His presence as He emptied me of anxiety and filled me with peace. I sat in His presence and He breathed life once again in me....

Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.”

Really??

Can it really be? I never thought that I could feel this way simultaneously, but I do. I'm excited about the change that is fast approaching, there is no doubt or question as to that feeling but there it is....that feeling. No, it's not fear nor is it doubt...it's nerves. Settled comfortably next to my excitement is the feeling of being very nervous.

When I made the decision to move, I then made a plan as to how this would happen. It was easy...doing that! Telling my family I was moving, telling my job I would be leaving & setting up the date for the "movers" to pick up my belongings. All those things were easy. I have two weeks left of work and then the other part of the plan starts. Yes its nerves....but there too is great excitement.

The second part of the plan I now know will take a deeper courage that I need to tap into. I'm the leader of this voyage. I have always had my family and friends there for me...for some type of support. I'm leaving all of that soon and I will be the one leading my girls and showing them what it is to follow your dreams. I will be driving us to Chicago and God knows how NOT good I am with directions...so I really hope my GPS won't fail me. I won't have my dad or brother-in-law to call and help me out when I'm lost. All those comforts that we take for granted. Nerves and excitement...what a mix!!

Do I question if I'm doing the right thing? Absolutely NOT! This is the right thing for me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not nervous. It doesn't mean that all those doubts that you have thought of or quietly mentioned to others I haven't thought of myself. Honestly I haven't just thought about them...I have mused over every question myself. But the fact remains I have to leave. I have to live the life I know I was destined for.

Two more weeks of work.....
I trust you Lord...I trust the plan you have for me and my daughters!

Hope

My sister took these pictures. Not too often do we have time alone together, so it was nice driving to Knights Ferry with her. We talked about kids, my move, her 5 year plan and our parents. When you know that you won’t have these moments much longer you appreciate it even more. The drive, the scenery, hearing her voice and her opinions. My sister has the busiest schedule… and I…do not. She has always been the busy one, shuttling kids here and there, going to photo shoots, making dinner, keeping the house clean and plenty of countless other things that call for her attention. Then there is my life. It’s the polar opposite of hers. But its mine and I love it. I love my sister more than she knows and I’ll miss her very much when I’m gone.

She gave me her time and talent and took pictures of me sporting my new tattoo. Eventually I’ll have a full sleeve and hopefully I’ll have my sister document that progression. Thanks…I enjoyed our time together!

Still...

Lately I have done more reflecting than ever before. I think it’s because of what is happening in my life. But it got me thinking about when I was young, very young. Before my family fell apart, before I was on my own and before I had my daughters. I was 13 and already forming a love for classical music, art and my personal view (very small view) on life. But already I was dreaming of what kind life and happiness I would experience.

I dreamt of making a difference in the world. I wanted to play an instrument and I wanted to write "beautiful words". The possibilities were endless of what I thought I could accomplish or become. There was a freedom that I felt when I was dreaming...arms open wide, wind blowing and every door possible is open!! All I needed to do was walk through it...I just need to walk forward.

I'm not 13 any more, I'm 37 but the same freedom I once felt while dreaming, I feel again. In between the years of 13 to 36 life had changed dramatically. And at some points in my life I felt some of my dreams die...and others I put to rest. But then 37 rolled around and had a different plan. The dreams I thought were dead and sleeping are now present...they are vivid, strong and living in me once again. The years in between have given me perspective but has not taken away the zest for accomplishing them.

I don't look the same nor do I act the same as when I was young. But the core of who I am still remains, and the fire that burns in me, the idea of somehow, someway making a difference in my world is still alive and kicking. But this time...IT WILL HAPPEN!

Flashback Friday

Its been a while...sorry! Ok here we go...flashing back a very long time ago. This is my mom and dad in Germany before they had children...so I'm going to say 39 years ago. My mom got pregnant with my sister in Germany so it's safe to say that they enjoyed themselves.

My mom and dad. They are my biggest fans. As any parent I know they have concerns and may have fears for the changes that I'm making in my life. But non the less they are my most favorite people. They have come to a point and realized that I am who I am. Take it or leave it. And thankfully they have taken it.

I love them more than they know. And even though they may have had other ideas for my life I do appreciate what they have been to me and all that I have learned in the process.

Dreamer

Since I made the decision last year to move to Chicago, the most common question I get is "Are you afraid"? and the answer I give is more like a reflex..."No I'm not". But that got me thinking...why do I say it so quickly and am I really not afraid? I'm not a super woman so I know I have fear in me...what am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of NOT moving. I don't want to one day look back at my life and say to myself "you should have went". I refuse to live a life of regret and this is one decision that if I don't follow through with, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Simply put its not like I’m following through with a decision that I made. Its that I’m being pulled into a life that I was made for. What exactly that entails is not clear to me yet but what is clear is that I’m at the cusp of something big in my life and I can’t… I won’t let something as little as “fear” hold me back from living the life I was created for. I know this to be true Chicago is not my final destination…its just the launching pad to something further in my life.

I’m a dreamer…I was created that way. And because of decisions that I made when I was young it altered my life. Now I’m coming full circle and the “door” is open for me… I must walk through it. Actually I think I’m running! Why should I fear? December 2008, while I was on my first trail race God told me that He was not taking me to Chicago to fail. October 2008, God told me that He was taking me to my promise land. January 2009, while I was spending my quiet time with Him He asked me what I wanted…and I shared my heart to Him. So why would I fear…anything? He is leading me and I am more than willing to follow. I’m a dreamer…He created me that way.

When I say that there is nothing left for me here, that's nothing on the love I have for my family and friends, its just that I know this to be true. I must move forward!

No U-Turns!

I did it. Today I gave my resignation letter to my boss and I paid my deposit for the moving company. Funny thing is I'm not afraid. I officially went from "speaking" about my future to taking action. And it feels freakn' fantabulous! There is no turning back now. Even if I wanted to what would I turn back to? There is nothing left for me here and I look forward to what is ahead in Chicago. I'm opening the door to my new life....and it looks good my friend...it looks good.

Choices

A year ago this month my life changed. I was in a relationship and he chose to end it. He made a choice. It altered my life. I chose to do the only thing I knew I could do. And that was to hold on tightly to the hand of God.

Months went by and I clung to the hand of God. Day in and day out I did the same thing. Routine was my comfort. I woke up every morning, got ready for work, came home from work and fell on my knee’s crying to the Lord. I had no words. Tears filled me and I released them night after night. Grief choked me. All the while I chose to walk the road of healing and allow God to do what must be done in order for me to walk away a woman not scorned, but healed and able to laugh, love and dance the dance of life once again.

I read books, the Bible, prayed, cried and once a week spent time with a good friend. I shared what I was feeling, what I was discovering and how I felt the Lord challenging me in area’s of my life. She listened, shared some of her experiences in her healing process and gave me “sound” advice. What a journey it was. Months would go by and I thought I was past the tough part…then it would hit me like a tidal wave. And then once again the tears were back! Sometimes the tears returned with a vengeance.

I’m tired of crying! I’m tired of feeling sad! When Lord will this end? When will my thoughts not be filled with him? When will songs not remind me of some memory we made together? I want to reclaim my life back. I want to enjoy traveling, music and theater once again without the memory of “us” in it.

A year has passed. I’m not the same woman that I was. I’m alive again. I laugh, enjoy traveling, music and I look forward to having someone to love. I look back at the memories that we created while together… and enjoy them. They no longer bring me pain. But a sweet smile on my face as I remember what once was.

I love the life I have now and look forward to what is ahead as I follow God and where He is leading me. What did I learn in all of this? I learned to let go and let God have His way in my life. What did I gain? I gained the knowledge that I am not alone. That God is right there with me every step of the way. When all I could do was fall to my knee’s and cry…God was there. When I was at work and I would run to the restroom because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss…He covered me with His peace. When I had no words to say… He filled me with hope that “this too shall pass”. And when I boldly remained steadfast that I needed Him to heal me… He gently walked me thru the process.

Isaiah 41:10 “So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.”

Birthday Girls

I am blessed. March 17th is my birthday and the 18th is my niece Gabrielle's. She knows the rule too....there will be no mention of her b-day while mine is in progress! There is no exception to that rule...I'm a kid at heart and I don't like sharing my day. But once the 18th comes...well it's all her day! And honestly I think she is like me...she loves celebrating...her!

My mother always calls us on our birthday and sings us the "Birthday Song". I love it! Adrianna and Victorialyn texted me "Happy Birthday" and oh I can't forget Gabrielle calling me at work and singing me the "birthday song" Merilyn Monroe style. Many other family and friends called or came by to wish me a Happy Birthday. What fun!

Friends at work went crazy decorating my desk and filling it with presents. And later in the evening my girls and I relaxed on my bed watching a movie from Netflex on my computer. It was a wonderful day and thank you to everyone who made it extra special!! I love you all!

GPS Wanted!!

A friend called me Friday and asked if the girls and I wanted to get away for the weekend. She said she has a timeshare available in Angels Camp at a resort and it was ours if we wanted it. So the girls and I packed up and took off. Because I had never been there before I went online and got directions from Map quest. What a mistake! What should have taken about an hour for us to get there, took us close to three!! I'll spare the details of getting directions from the lady at the resort. All I'll say is that an aggressive tone was being used...by me. During our drive...in circles I might add I realized I better get a Garmin or some GPS unit before I take that drive to Chicago or else God only knows where we might end up! Overall we had a wonderful time.

Too Loud!

It’s too loud!

Have you ever came to point and realized the volume of your life is too high? Everyone has responsibilities, people depending on us, our own dreams and or goals. Some of our personal goals are spiritual, physical & educational. It can be a challenge not losing them in the demands of life.

Hosea 2:4&5
“So I am going to attract her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and I will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. There she will respond as when she was young, as when she came out of Egypt.”

In late March 2008 God gave me that scripture. I have held on tight to the Word God gave me. Months went by and that scripture comforted me because I knew the pain I was feeling (my Valley of Trouble) was going to lead me to my door of hope. God showed me so much in that time.

I don’t think we ever make a conscious decision to neglect our relationship with the Lord. But it happens. The demands of life, the goals we are reaching for and relationships we are trying to keep together. Busy with that we didn’t realize we pushed God out and took over. Then one day we realize how loud everything has become. It’s just too loud!

Sunday during worship I let go. I got lost in the presence of God. No one else was there, it was only the two of us. I let go…poured my heart out. Freely giving it to the one who loves me. Oh…how He loves me. I only wanted to worship Him and express my love and gratitude. But He had another plan. He poured into me. He filled my heart with comfort and told me to keep close to Him.