Snapped!

I don’t think we ever make a conscious decision to neglect our relationship with the Lord. But it happens. The demands of life, the goals we are reaching for and relationships we are trying to keep together. Busy with that we didn’t realize we pushed God out and took over. Then one day we realize how loud everything has become. It’s just too loud!

In February I wrote the above sentences. Funny how that happens….even when you think you won’t let it happen again.

I snapped today. I knew it was coming and I’m grateful it finally did. I knew I couldn’t have kept it together much longer.

I was keeping to the plan! I had a plan and in order for me to make it out of here and start pursuing my dream on another level…the plan had to be accomplished!

Do you know that I never came up with the plan…God gave it to me along the way. But I was the one who was making sure it happened. I was the one. “….I pushed God out and took over.” Yup, that’s how it happened and I was becoming someone very ugly. Do you know that I knew God was asking me to stop what I was doing and spend more time with Him? And just the thought of slowing down would irritate me. Instead of being obedient, my actions were saying “when I’m done Lord I’ll spend time with you, but there are still things on the list that need my attention!”

What I found to happen in my own life was that when I put God aside because I was busy taking over…I lost. I lost my joy, love, peace, laughter, compassion, patience and humanity. I came home today and fell on my knee’s and cried out to the One who loves me. I gave Him my feeble attempt to accomplish the task’ without Him. I sat quietly in His presence as He emptied me of anxiety and filled me with peace. I sat in His presence and He breathed life once again in me....

Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.”

Really??

Can it really be? I never thought that I could feel this way simultaneously, but I do. I'm excited about the change that is fast approaching, there is no doubt or question as to that feeling but there it is....that feeling. No, it's not fear nor is it doubt...it's nerves. Settled comfortably next to my excitement is the feeling of being very nervous.

When I made the decision to move, I then made a plan as to how this would happen. It was easy...doing that! Telling my family I was moving, telling my job I would be leaving & setting up the date for the "movers" to pick up my belongings. All those things were easy. I have two weeks left of work and then the other part of the plan starts. Yes its nerves....but there too is great excitement.

The second part of the plan I now know will take a deeper courage that I need to tap into. I'm the leader of this voyage. I have always had my family and friends there for me...for some type of support. I'm leaving all of that soon and I will be the one leading my girls and showing them what it is to follow your dreams. I will be driving us to Chicago and God knows how NOT good I am with directions...so I really hope my GPS won't fail me. I won't have my dad or brother-in-law to call and help me out when I'm lost. All those comforts that we take for granted. Nerves and excitement...what a mix!!

Do I question if I'm doing the right thing? Absolutely NOT! This is the right thing for me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not nervous. It doesn't mean that all those doubts that you have thought of or quietly mentioned to others I haven't thought of myself. Honestly I haven't just thought about them...I have mused over every question myself. But the fact remains I have to leave. I have to live the life I know I was destined for.

Two more weeks of work.....
I trust you Lord...I trust the plan you have for me and my daughters!

Hope

My sister took these pictures. Not too often do we have time alone together, so it was nice driving to Knights Ferry with her. We talked about kids, my move, her 5 year plan and our parents. When you know that you won’t have these moments much longer you appreciate it even more. The drive, the scenery, hearing her voice and her opinions. My sister has the busiest schedule… and I…do not. She has always been the busy one, shuttling kids here and there, going to photo shoots, making dinner, keeping the house clean and plenty of countless other things that call for her attention. Then there is my life. It’s the polar opposite of hers. But its mine and I love it. I love my sister more than she knows and I’ll miss her very much when I’m gone.

She gave me her time and talent and took pictures of me sporting my new tattoo. Eventually I’ll have a full sleeve and hopefully I’ll have my sister document that progression. Thanks…I enjoyed our time together!