1 Year

I did it!

July 15th it was one year that I moved my little family to a new city. With no real clue as to how my life would be once we arrived I set off from California July 10th to a very interesting-soul-searching journey. And what a ride it has been, many ups and downs, disappointments, adjustments, laughters, white Christmas, rainy spring and a very late summer. We moved late May from our first apartment to a better neighborhood and we are very please with our new home. I think it was that move, from one apartment to another that sealed my feeling of home in this city. When we first arrived it wasn't difficult getting a place because I had plenty of money to "back me up", but when getting this new place it was all me! I was the one who for weeks would look at apartments after work and on weekends. Finally I stumbled onto this one and I explained everything, two weeks later he gave me the green light to move in. With no money backing me up like before I have to say it was the Lord to open this door.

I have made new friends and we meet every week. Music at the park on Thursday, concerts/festivals on the weekends, dinner/drinks on Saturday, or coffee anywhere in between.

Our company is growing and we have an office in the South Loop area in downtown. In regards to my future plans of moving to Italy, they are still alive and strong. But I now have options as to how I may want to pursue that new journey and for that I am very pleased.

I'm not who I was one year ago and thats not a bad thing. I don't believe I ever thought that this road would leave me the same. In discovering myself and life in this city I have found many more opportunities to grow, learn and open myself to something new. And I honestly think that its a good thing!

We were all meant to be more than what we may have settled for...and even if the road is hard and at times unclear...I don't walk it alone!

Enough

6/10/10

Chicago meltdown number (I lost count). I'm sitting at a coffee house after work here in downtown refusing to go home. I needed time to step back and take a look at my life and figure out how to stop having so many meltdowns! That word has become too common in my vocabulary lately. Since arriving, my life has felt like a constant state of uncertainty and I don't like it. "How will I pay rent?" "How will I buy clothes for the girls?" "How will I...." on and on , those and may more questions fill my mind daily.

I've noticed that I'm becoming very mean - short with others, quick to snap and slow to laugh. this is not a good thing. Yeah I was going to change, but this is not a turn in the right direction. I feel tired all the time and no longer enjoy talking with my friends back home. I think I locked "joy" in a closet and have now taken company with grumpy, mean & edgy. Funny how I put one away but picked up three others.

It will be a year July 15th that I've been here in the "windy city". It feels like a lifetime ago that I was laughing with my friends at M.I.D. or enjoying the company of selective friends. I sometimes forget who that woman was who one day declared she was leaving California in search for a life she was created for. That woman was broken and on the edge trying to pull the remainder of herself together, and in the midst of that she realized her life was empty. "He" brought her to life and made her feel like she could do anything she set her heart and mind to. His love gave her wings and she soared in it. But....all good things must come to an end. So there she was...with this emptiness and that's when she set in motion the biggest change of her life.

With that I must remember why I'm here. Clearly what I'm doing is not working! Enough of this constant tired feeling. Enough of this "bitch" I've become. I'm getting my joy back! My peace, even in the most uncertain times. My laughter that fills a quiet room and my larger-than-life smile...I'm getting it back! My new declaration.

So while I sit here enjoying my coffee, people pass me by and I write. Oh I miss this, always too busy and tired to write, today I STOP and rethink my direction. Why did I move? What do I want to accomplish while out here? And what am I doing to make it happen? Maybe it's not so much as I have too much going on as it is that I'm not handling it correctly. So what that my life is filled with uncertainty? I put myself here right? Maybe the Lords trying to teach me how to trust Him on a deeper level and because I'm flippn' out I'm only prolonging the lesson. He didn't bring me here to fail so I need to stop looking at things through the natural and start seeing it with my spiritual eyes. So enough I say...enough!

This is a great city. I've found it a little difficult to find my place but now with ease I call this city home...for now. For some time I thought I didn't fit in but now that I'm making friends they share their opinion of me. They think I'm sweet, friendly and I smile a lot! They like how I dress but worry that I'm not "street/city" smart enough to stay out of danger. They tell me to stop talking with everyone. But I want/need a social outlet like I did back home. It's a tough city but I love it. Another funny thing is its great to see the red double decker buses filled with tourist pass you by as you walk to the "L" in downtown. I've never lived in a city where this is an everyday thing but being a traveler myself I can appreciate it. I've always loved to shop and dress "cute" but now I look at what type of shoes women wear more than anything. I look at how they stay stylish yet functional in the city. BIG purses are a must! I've cut down on how much I eat and exercise more. I want to look like a city girl: stylish, lean and very much a part of my community. We'll see how that turns out for me! LOL

I'm not perfect, I'm extremely flawed but I'm here and I'm here for a reason. I pray God gives me the grace and joy to continue...

I'm breathing....

Remaining

The road I have chosen has been anything but easy, yet I still remain.

For the past month all my efforts, struggles and feelings of "this constant uphill" battle had left me weary, edgy and ready to give up. Yes you read correctly, I told my daughter that if we can't find a new place then I guess we will pack it up and move back to California.

I was blessed to be able to get away and visit my sweet Kevin. It was just what I needed, time to relax, sight see, enjoy delicious food and LAUGH! Upon returning back to the city I had to remind myself why I moved here. Looking out the window I saw this beautiful city and it was at that moment I remembered, I came to pursue my dreams.

A simple dream but one I have put off for far too long, my education and new career. This city is ready to kick you down and spit you out all the while tossing your dream in your face! I'm choosing to fight for what I came here for and to be able to call this place home for the next 4 years. I won't move back...not yet!

I shook off the heavy bands of weariness and clothed myself with a garment of praise. I will praise my King now for the doors He is opening, opportunities He is creating and a life I am to embrace...for now.

Psalms 62:1 "I find rest in God; only He can save me. He is my rock and my salvation. He is my defender; I will NOT BE DEFEATED."

Decisions

I was at a fork in the road and I had to make a decision. So knowing I could no longer put this off I stopped what I was doing and sat on the edge of my bathtub and cried. I cried out to the Lord asking for His direction, guidance and telling Him how I’m tired of making decisions alone. So on top of this huge decision (to me) my feelings of being lonely began to spill over. I’m 38 Lord and I’ve NEVER been married! Ugh… No more big decisions alone… they are too costly and the weight of these choices weigh heavy on me, so for a good 15 maybe 30 minutes I cried and laid it all out, explaining to my Father.

There are times when I feel His presence stronger than the person who is standing next to me, and then there are times when I must stand in faith and know that He is there and He will continue to lead me. Frustrated with the situation of my personal life I believe I make it difficult to hear the voice of God. The Lord reminded me of what He shared with me before I left California. He said that there will be times that I won’t feel Him as strong as others but that He is calling me to a high place. I believe I am living that out now.

I have had enough winter (death) in my life and am more than ready to welcome in spring (life) so with faith I walk toward a new life in this city…a new home. My dear friend told me yesterday that “He is lining your life up to what He has planned for you.” Before she even said that to me that was the feeling I was having with all these changes that I am putting myself through once again. But changes that will welcome in a new season….life and life more abundantly!

So Lord open the doors and bless my efforts, lead me and I WILL follow you!

Dreams

When I find myself losing heart and wondering if I will truly achieve what I set out to accomplish I remind myself of places I've been and one day what I would like to own. My heart will always be in Italy, for many reasons that country holds a firm grip on my affections, so one day I would love to own a villa. A place I can spend writing, reading, taking long walks, taking pictures, listening to music while I bask in the beauty that surrounds that country.

So weary I may be but my dreams are alive, one day...one day soon....

Emotions

So what do you do when the rug has once again been pulled out from under you? How will you react when the direction of your life has changed and you find it difficult adjusting to your new situation? What do you do when you feel….nothing? When the lifeline you have clung to so tightly has gone silent.

I know the current events in my life are to no surprise to my Savior so why do I feel like I’m clinging to hope? There have been days when I open my bible and everything sounds Greek to me, I find myself wandering through the pages searching for inspiration, guidance, hope and promises.

I WILL NOT BE GOVEREND BY MY EMOTIONS!

The facts are as so:

He loves me.
He died for me and rose on the third day.
He created me with a purpose.
He has a plan for my life.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

When my new situation occurred I asked the Lord, “Really?” I thought I had proven my faith, trust and ability to follow your guidance. But could I do it again? The answer is always YES. Yes I will follow you, yes I will wait on you, yes I will always trust Your plan and YES I believe and always believe in what you are doing in and through me. You are my breath of fresh air; you are my noon day sun.

Even when it feels like death surrounds you. Death in your finances, relationships, hope, faith and future know that "Sunday" will always come. There will always be a resurrection in the areas of our lives that we feel have died or grown dormant as long as we hold on to His word.

Resurrection Sunday is just around the corner…you must hold on to His promises, keep the faith and know a rebirth is coming!

Isaiah 65:24 “I will provide for their needs before they ask, and I will help them while they are still asking for help.”

Isaiah 66:7, 9 “A woman does not give birth before she feels the pain; she does not give birth to a son before the pain starts.” “In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”

Around Town

Here are some pictures of the girls and some new favorite stores I've found. I finally found a florist, she is located in Andersonville which is not far from my place. They're are all so friendly and have beautiful flowers to choose from, I always look forward to putting together a lovely bouquet for my place. Since there are more blue skies out lately we have enjoyed going downtown to our huge nine floor library and being able to explore the city. I hope you enjoy the updated pictures.

Ciao!

That Was Ugly!

I can officially say that there was nothing gracious about how I handled my first winter here in the Windy City. For months all I wore were pants!! And layers upon layers of clothes, oh how dreadful. The wind would cut right through all the clothes I was wearing and there I was standing waiting for the L like a ball of fabric shivering.

I can look back now and laugh but while experiencing it I had not humor. Spring has arrived! The funny thing is for the first day of spring here in Chicago it SNOWED! You have got to be kidding me. Here I thought I could start putting away my winter clothes and bring out my sandals, heels, dresses and skirts but I was sadly mistaken. I was told that I can safely put winter gear away in early June. HUH??! Well there have been some scattered blue sky days and I have taken full advantage of them.

So maybe my first winter here wasn’t a smooth transition but I’m sure I’ll have it down in 3 more years…just in time for the Lord to move me again!

Isn’t life grand?!

Proverbs 17:22

"A happy heart is like good medicine..."

Praise It In

Recently I have found myself to be on autopilot. I don’t feel anything is wrong with that, someone once told me “we are creatures of habit” and I believe that to be true. In times of difficulty I have found comfort in routine. But when you’re waiting for the “season” to change in your life, it can take a toll on you.

All seasons come to an end but when that change occurs sometimes isn’t on the same time schedule as you would like. My faith is strong, my trust in the Lord is steadfast and my hope that a new season in my life will arrive is alive and thriving…yet I grow weary at times.

Then it hit me…get out of autopilot and DO something to usher that change in. So I did…

Initially my feelings were different from my words but the more I established who and what God has been to me a fire began to kindle and burn. You ARE my King, Savior, Guide and Comforter. You WILL NEVER leave me nor forsake me and I TRUST the plan you have for me, I may not understand but I know you have a purpose for all you allow in my life and with that understanding my trust in you remains steadfast.

So I thank you for opening the gates of blessing in my life. I thank you for blessing our new company, for my daughters and the plans they are making for their lives, I thank you that I am not the tail but the head, I thank you for the church you’re taking me to and the ministry you are preparing me for. I thank you that it is now “my time” to go back to school and hone in on my writing skills, and I thank you for allowing me to travel once again this year. May all I say and do bring honor to you Lord and prepare me for the people you will bring in my life, that I may be a living testimony of your love, redemption and purpose.

Psalm 16:7-11
“I praise the Lord because He advises me. Even at night, I feel His leading. I keep the Lord before me always. Because He is close by my side, I will not be hurt. So I rejoice and am glad. Even my body has hope, because you will not leave me in the grave. You will not let your holy one rot. You will teach me how to live a holy life. Being with you will fill me with joy; at your right hand I will find pleasure forever.”

Running On Autopilot?

The busyness of my day and the uncertainty of life have caused me to run on autopilot. What I mean by that is there are so many factors that are uncertain, I don’t know how they will “pan” out BUT what I do know is that God is before me so I trust the path He has me on. My days are full! I get up early to work out, then I get ready for my day, if need be I go to the “Chekie” office before heading to work and there I will be for the next 8 hrs, I arrive home around 11:30pm to rest a bit then I call it a night. The day repeats itself, I may try to mix it up but these are the basics of my day. A new factor is I’m taking a course to be certified in cruise lines so that has been another thing added to my list. May I get to enroll for a couple of summer courses at Truman College; believe it or not I’m very excited about this!

In the beginning when I was trying to get a grip on this new schedule of mine I was feeling numb to life. The weather I know had something to do with it as well. Day after day the skies would be gray and that had an effect of me. I tried to keep my head above water and continue in the direction I was going, it’s not always easy though, some days were tougher than others, and everything was an effort. So what did I do to get to the other side of all this craziness?

1. I trusted the Lord, plain and simple! I knew the Lord had placed me here in this new city and that I am NOT alone. I may not be able to see the finish line but I trust the One who placed me on this course.

2. I hold on to the promises the Lord gave me and continues to give me. For those days when I’m feeling lonely, I remember ALL that God has shared with me about my future, and I wrap myself in it. Remembering His promises is vital!

3. I remember that change is always around the corner. Just when you feel weary, spent and numb to your situation know that God always has something new waiting for you around the corner.

I feel the winds on change once again in my life and I am ready!!

The Journey Continues

My computer was down for a while and that’s why I wasn’t able to update my blog. So much has happened and my life continues to pick up a quicker pace.

Regarding my job, well I stopped complaining and started looking for a new job. I have also found peace with the job I currently have. I think I hated it so much that I was part of the problem. I went into work already with a bad attitude or chip on my shoulder ready to explode on anyone who dared to speak with me. I hid myself in my “area” and got lost in my music but simmering with anger at the fact that THIS is MY job! After stepping back I realized I wasn’t “honoring my leaders” like the word tells us to. How could I honor such stupid, controlling, brown-nosing people? I knew my actions were not honoring the Lord and that grieved me. I asked the Lord to forgive me and to give me His peace, joy and love towards all those who surround me. I released my anger and once again placed my trust in the Lord. I told Him that if this is the place He wants me to be then I will stay. Thank God He gave me the “green light” to start looking for a new job but until then my attitude has changed. I’m now honoring my leaders, joy fills me and hope once again bubbles in me knowing that change is once again around the corner.

There are still days when I don’t understand how everything will “work out” but I try not to focus on that and I keep my eyes on the One who leads me. He has been my faithful companion and where ever He leads…I WILL FOLLOW!

One foot in front of the other

What do you do when you feel like your being hit in all directions and haven’t caught your breath?

You put one foot in front of the other and keep walking in the direction you desire. What I’m learning is that you can’t stop bad things from happening, they just do sometimes. No one ever said it was going to be an easy road for me out here and thus far I’m convinced that it won’t be. When I first arrived and when “blows” would hit me my response was very different from what they are now. I would cry, fall to my knees and seek the Lord for comfort and answers. NOW…the blows still come and when they do I give it to the Lord and continue my journey because I know HE is in control. So with that I move forward. There is no point crying over the obstacles that I encounter, I must move forward! And with the Lords strength…I do.

There is a scripture in the Word that says, “…without vision my people perish.” I keep my vision (goals) close to me so I always know why I’m pushing myself when at times all I want to do is just….stop.

You put one foot in front of the other and ….MOVE.

I’m learning to find beauty in my journey, even in the moments where it challenges every fiber of my being; there is still beauty to behold!

Ps. 32:8 “The Lord says, “I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch over you.”

Vitamin D

I’m not a person who has ever struggled with depression so when I was told about the “winter blues” that happens out here, I figured I wouldn’t have an issue with it. I thought I was above all of that. And of course I was wrong….dreadfully wrong! It hits you out of no where.

The first week of snow my daughters and I love it, thinking how beautiful the city looks covered by this soft white substance. Then weeks go by and it’s still snowing and COLD! A cold I had never experienced, it cuts right through you and no matter how much I try to layer on the clothes its still COLD! Soon enough I find myself not wanting to go outside unless I must and of course the majority of the time…I must. I notice I become edgy and not very friendly. I just want to get whatever I need done and hurry back home where it is warm. Then gloominess sets in and I’m feeling unmotivated to do anything…that’s right anything. I take a good hard look and need to figure out what is going on.

After speaking with some friends I find out I’m experiencing the winter blues. They suggest I take vitamin D. Next day I’m at GNC picking up not only vitamin D but vitamin C a multi-vitamin and fish oil. Aware of my mental and emotional state I start doing what I can to get myself out of this rut.

I daily take my vitamins, eat well and despite the fact that its crazy cold outside I get some exercise. I bought a funny travel book about women’s mishaps while on the road. It’s a great book! I listen to upbeat music, music that inspires me and takes me to places I have been and those I have yet to discover. I keep my mind looking ahead. Valentines Day, my BIRTHDAY (3/17), Spring, the sun shining on my face, wearing sundresses again and doing what my soul desires most….traveling!

So my friends… Vitamin D….its a must!

His Voice

Knowing His voice has to be the most important thing to me. Years ago I struggled not hearing His voice and knowing many friends and family who were familiar with it. I questioned everything because I didn’t know it at that point. Frustrated with this I one day decided I too will hear Him. This occurred at a time when I felt like the “bottom” of my life had been pulled out and I was grasping for something to hang on to. My relationship deepened with the Lord and I was determined to know and be familiar with Him.

And then I heard it. Clear as ever I knew it was His voice and He was speaking to me. Before moving to Chicago He told me what to expect and my dear friend Becky told me to write it down. I’m glad I did because when I find myself frustrated, confused or down I go back and read all that the Lord shared and I remember that He was preparing me back then for all I’m experiencing now. With that, strength fills me and I know my path is as it should be and I’m OK.

Recently the Lord told me to do something. At first I was shocked, and then I said OK Lord I will. I asked if I would be hurt and He told me I wouldn’t. He asked if I trust Him. Yes Lord I do. I have been obedient to what His requests had been that night and peace fills me. Do I know how all of this will play out? No. But I know that God is in control and my trust lies with Him. He told me certain things will occur and I may not know the details or how it will happen but that’s none of my concern. I was asked if I trusted Him, and YES I do.

I can be without my friends and family. I can be apart from all that is familiar. My life can take twists and turns that challenge me and I may question the purpose of some situations. But one thing I'm certain is that I cannot live without my Father, my Lord, my guide, comforter and my confidant. My time…my quiet time with the Lord, wherever it may occur is the most precious to me.

Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in His love; He will sing and be joyful about you.”

Pressed Down….

Have you ever felt like you were being pressed from every corner? I move right and I’m pressed, turn left and pressed again and just when I move forward I’m pressed down.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing and I couldn’t get to my knees fast enough. Broken I fell and cried out…but words failed me. As the tears continued to flow I laid it down at the alter and surrendered my heart, life, dreams and will knowing that it will only be the Lord who can make it ALL come to pass. “Is my life not pleasing to you Lord?” “Have I offended you?” “How much more can I be pressed down?” “How much more must I be broken?”

I trust you Lord!! I don’t understand why it has been so difficult and I don’t know why I feel like I’m standing on quicksand, but I will declare day after day that I TRUST YOU!

I couldn’t pull myself off the floor, as I knelt down continuing to feel the tears flow I realized this: As I’m waiting I will praise you! I am not defeated. 2 Cor. 12:9 “…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” You will give me my hearts desires…because you love me. Ps. 84:11 “… no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.”

I am a warrior. We are all warriors, those who trust the Lord and pursue a passionate life beyond all that they could have ever dreamt or imagined. But while I feel pressed, crushed and broken I don’t think I resemble a mighty warrior. Where are my weapons? I honestly don’t think I have any. I only posses this unfailing trust that the Lord is in control, that He is leading me on the path that He has chosen for me and …. I will follow Him! My face isn’t beautiful. Tears streak my face and my eyes are swollen but I lift my head to the sky and pray that His Glory shine on me.

So as I face each giant on my path I know I am not alone and that He will equip me to defeat and conquer every giant that stands in my way.

I trust My Dream Giver!