Still...

Lately I have done more reflecting than ever before. I think it’s because of what is happening in my life. But it got me thinking about when I was young, very young. Before my family fell apart, before I was on my own and before I had my daughters. I was 13 and already forming a love for classical music, art and my personal view (very small view) on life. But already I was dreaming of what kind life and happiness I would experience.

I dreamt of making a difference in the world. I wanted to play an instrument and I wanted to write "beautiful words". The possibilities were endless of what I thought I could accomplish or become. There was a freedom that I felt when I was dreaming...arms open wide, wind blowing and every door possible is open!! All I needed to do was walk through it...I just need to walk forward.

I'm not 13 any more, I'm 37 but the same freedom I once felt while dreaming, I feel again. In between the years of 13 to 36 life had changed dramatically. And at some points in my life I felt some of my dreams die...and others I put to rest. But then 37 rolled around and had a different plan. The dreams I thought were dead and sleeping are now present...they are vivid, strong and living in me once again. The years in between have given me perspective but has not taken away the zest for accomplishing them.

I don't look the same nor do I act the same as when I was young. But the core of who I am still remains, and the fire that burns in me, the idea of somehow, someway making a difference in my world is still alive and kicking. But this time...IT WILL HAPPEN!

Flashback Friday

Its been a while...sorry! Ok here we go...flashing back a very long time ago. This is my mom and dad in Germany before they had children...so I'm going to say 39 years ago. My mom got pregnant with my sister in Germany so it's safe to say that they enjoyed themselves.

My mom and dad. They are my biggest fans. As any parent I know they have concerns and may have fears for the changes that I'm making in my life. But non the less they are my most favorite people. They have come to a point and realized that I am who I am. Take it or leave it. And thankfully they have taken it.

I love them more than they know. And even though they may have had other ideas for my life I do appreciate what they have been to me and all that I have learned in the process.

Dreamer

Since I made the decision last year to move to Chicago, the most common question I get is "Are you afraid"? and the answer I give is more like a reflex..."No I'm not". But that got me thinking...why do I say it so quickly and am I really not afraid? I'm not a super woman so I know I have fear in me...what am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of NOT moving. I don't want to one day look back at my life and say to myself "you should have went". I refuse to live a life of regret and this is one decision that if I don't follow through with, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Simply put its not like I’m following through with a decision that I made. Its that I’m being pulled into a life that I was made for. What exactly that entails is not clear to me yet but what is clear is that I’m at the cusp of something big in my life and I can’t… I won’t let something as little as “fear” hold me back from living the life I was created for. I know this to be true Chicago is not my final destination…its just the launching pad to something further in my life.

I’m a dreamer…I was created that way. And because of decisions that I made when I was young it altered my life. Now I’m coming full circle and the “door” is open for me… I must walk through it. Actually I think I’m running! Why should I fear? December 2008, while I was on my first trail race God told me that He was not taking me to Chicago to fail. October 2008, God told me that He was taking me to my promise land. January 2009, while I was spending my quiet time with Him He asked me what I wanted…and I shared my heart to Him. So why would I fear…anything? He is leading me and I am more than willing to follow. I’m a dreamer…He created me that way.

When I say that there is nothing left for me here, that's nothing on the love I have for my family and friends, its just that I know this to be true. I must move forward!

No U-Turns!

I did it. Today I gave my resignation letter to my boss and I paid my deposit for the moving company. Funny thing is I'm not afraid. I officially went from "speaking" about my future to taking action. And it feels freakn' fantabulous! There is no turning back now. Even if I wanted to what would I turn back to? There is nothing left for me here and I look forward to what is ahead in Chicago. I'm opening the door to my new life....and it looks good my friend...it looks good.